Year Four. Day 43

My sabbath spot for the morning. I love that I've been gifted this space for sabbath and prayer.

Year Four: Day 10.

"Grief"

These prayer beads were made for me by a sweet friend a few years ago. Today I used them to pray for her... 

Year 4: Day 1

"Simple"

The sweetest kind...

Photography...

I started taking one picture every day almost three years ago.  Three years.  Project 365.  I have taken 1,079 pictures over the past three years.  Including today - I have 16 more pictures to complete three years of daily pictures.

I started this project because a friend of mine who lives in Nashville was posting one picture every day and I was intrigued to see what his pictures would be every day!  Thanks, Zach Prichard!

The first year I would take a picture of whatever I felt like.  Many that year I would be lying in bed and realize that I hadn't taken a picture yet... So I'd jump up and find something in my room that I hadn't photographed so far.

The second year I started out with weekly themes.  I didn't continue that for the entire year but it was an incredible practice to spend an entire week on one theme and look for ways to depict "shadows" or "despair".  I spent way more time paying attention to what was around me each day.

Now I am finishing up year three.  I have been to Ireland, Zimbabwe and Alaska this year.  I moved from Pensacola, FL to Lebanon, TN. I have a beautiful new niece. I left an incredible amount of people that I love to experience community in a new way. I ran my 6th marathon. I cried a lot - tears of joy and tears of pain.

Sometimes I felt like one picture a day wasn't enough!

This practice of taking a picture everyday has become part of my prayer life. I wait till the end of the day to post most of my pics because I get to remember and give thanks for whatever caught my eye.

I don't have a fancy camera. I just use my iphone. What an incredible gift that phone is.

And I'm so thankful that I have been able to recognize that this has become such a practice of intention. Of thanksgiving.  Of prayer. Of noticing. Of seeing.

We all have ways that God is inviting us to slow down.  To "Be Still and know..." - but I know how incredible hard that is to do from day to day.  There are so many things calling to us.  Asking for our attention. Demanding our time.

How do you slow down?  What could be a form of prayer for you that you may not have recognized yet?

I can't wait for year four to start. It's another year to live and experience pain and joy and hope and fear with people in my life. It's another year to invite others to see some things that I recognize as worthy of noticing!

Thank you for those of you who have prayed for me through this process.

Here are just a few of my favorite pics from the past 3 years...

My very first Project 365 picture. August 8, 2010

Completely dependent

I started off my day with a cup of coffee and silence - curled up with my laptop working on some things for the mission trip next week.  I remember telling Susie - "It's so quiet!"

I'm in Pensacola at the Schmidt's (Susie and Gene's) to rent a truck and finally get all of my furniture and boxes and move the stuff to Lebanon. 

I got a call on Tuesday from one of the Pensacola FUMC dad's. He has graciously let store all of my house stuff in one of his POD's for at least 2 1/2 years for FREE!!  Well, he called on Tuesday to let me know that POD was cutting down on their "donation" department.  So I needed to get my stuff out of the POD as soon as possible!  

I wasn't quite sure what to do.  But I decided that it was time to move my stuff up to TN.  On Wednesday night I rented a one-way car and drove down here yesterday. 

Then last night my wallet was stolen out of the rental car. I thought I had locked the car but there wasn't any damage on the car so I guess I left it unlocked.

I realized it was gone around 8:15 a.m. this morning.  I didn't get too worried at first - just figured it was inside somewhere.  But after dumping my two bags out 3 different times and crawling through the car...I checked my online banking accounts and was able to find two charges on one credit card today at a nearby gas station. I hadn't left the house - so that wasn't from me.

The next 45 minutes were a whirlwind

-My rental car was due back at the airport by 9:00 a.m.

-I realized that if I DID take the rental car back - how would I rent another car or truck if I didn't have a drivers license?

-Susie came out ready to take me to the airport to turn the car in

-I called the police and they sent a guy out immediately

-I called my church in Lebanon and completely fell apart on the phone with them

-Lisa and Pam tried to figure out ways to help me rent a truck over the phone

-the police man dusted for prints and took all my info

-I cancelled all of my credit cards and found out I could have my american express overnighted for free

-I took the rental car back 30 minutes late but my lateness was excused.

-Susie figured out how I could get a replacement drivers license today

-But the half empty tank of gas was not.  I forgot and wouldn't have been able to get gas anyways without a credit card.  So that half tank cost - $79

-Susie took me to the dmv and gave me money to pay for the drivers license

-I was able to get a drivers license with very little trouble because I had gotten a new last year and had a "gold star".  Which means they have copies of all the things that prove that I am me. 

-Susie also has helped me rent a moving truck so I can still move all of my stuff tomorrow morning

It's now early afternoon.  I am overwhelmed and wondering. I feel like the past month has been a total lesson for me to realize just how much I am dependent on others.  And I have to ask for help. And I have to let them help me. Again. I thought I had learned this. 

I have texted a bunch of different people to ask if they can help me move tomorrow.  I am always amazed at how many people are willing. Even if they aren't able.

I think I am also amazed at the people who are not willing. 

I hope I get to a place in my life where I don't apologize when I ask someone to help me with bigger things.  I think have gotten there with the smaller things. 

Here are the things that I haven't figured out yet - 

I still need a place of my own to live in Lebanon or Mt. Juliet that doesn't cost more then I can afford.

I still need a place to store everything.

I still need to sell my house.

I still need to buy a new gas heater and air conditioning system for the house in Pensacola - cost: $4000

I am humbled and thankful for the people who stand alongside of me in this process.

Planning and wondering and opening...

It's a Monday afternoon - half way through the month of May and I am sitting at my desk. I've been at this position for exactly two weeks.

I have a copy of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, "Dangerous Wonder" by Michael Yaconelli, the youth version of Groups VBS for Youth - Kingdom Rock sitting on my desk and I just reread through the first two weeks of "Sticky Faith Every Day: 8 Weeks of Knowing God More". 

I decided about an hour ago that I should already know what I'm teaching on for the summer and to start planning for the fall - and I started to feel overwhelmed by all the things that I think the youth NEED to know NOW!  I'm already behind! How do I cover everything now? 

-having a thankful heart
-wanting to serve others but not because they should
-having faith like a child
-build relationships with adults in our church

I also need to get the parents and volunteers caught up!  I need them to make this ministry work. So I've got to buy Mark Yaconelli's book - "Contemplative Youth Ministry" for all of the adults.  I should have done that last week!  And how do I best figure out what the adults are best gifted at and plug them in? 

I've even skimmed Chris Folmsbee book " A New Kind of Youth Ministry".

And then I just started to tear up.  Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit.

I put my head on my arm and I stopped.

I prayed.  I asked for forgiveness. I asked for wisdom. I asked for grace. And I asked for insight in how to lead this ministry with humility and inclusiveness. (Mind you this didn't take a long time)


~~Now I need to make sure that I say - I know that all of the things that I am hoping to teach and invite these youth and adults into are good things. Good. The books that I listed above are GREAT.  FYI - I think everyone should read them.  ~~


I am good at youth ministry. 

Meaning that I'm good at doing what needs to be done.  I make ministers and parents feel like their youth have a good group to belong to.  And that's good!

But...

But I don't want to only be good at youth ministry.

I want to be an individual who loves Jesus and loves teenagers and helps them know that they are loved by Jesus in such a way that these youth can't wait to know more about him.

To be perfectly honest...since I started this new position two weeks ago - I started building the youth ministry machine. It's what I'm good at!  And it already looks good.

Even though I knew I didn't want to.

I forgot to love Jesus first.

I haven't forgotten about loving teenagers - I'm good at that too. But I'm wondering if there is a way that I could be even more present.  In a way that I have never done before or at least haven't done in a while.

Risk.

Inviting youth and adults into relationship with me. 
Into relationship with each other.
Into relationship with Jesus.

It really is that easy.  Why do I make it harder?

Prayer.

I need to be more intentional to pray for them. Not just in my time of Sabbath but also as part of my work week.

Invite people to pray with me.

Risk.

So I'm done with planning for today.

I've got a list of youth that I haven't met yet. Time to pray and maybe contact.

But first - pray.

Slow awakening

I've had two months off between leaving Pensacola and moving to Lebanon. No work!

I've had time to (re)start rhythms/patterns in my life that consist of resting, noticing & offering thanks, prayer for others, listening for God's direction, attempting to love with generosity and blogging about some of the experiences.

Man, what a gift...

This past Sunday I started a new job. At a new church. With new teenagers and families. To get to know. To grow with. To love. To empower. To be light.

My plan is to continue with this slower rhythm that I started in these two months off.

I want to be intentional in this ministry. Take my time to get to know the youth and families. Figure out who they are and where God is already leading them.

I know the staff, families and youth are pretty excited about me getting here. I know there are a lot of expectations.

I already feel a pressure (I realize I may be putting this pressure on myself) to plan things and change things and get all the youth who haven't been in awhile to come back.

So here are some goals that I pray I am able to follow through on and communicate clearly with grace:

- I'm inviting myself over to all of the youth homes for dinner. Free dinner is always a good thing. Right?! But I also want to meet the entire family together if that is possible. To see how they interact. I realized in November at FUMC Pensacola that I hadn't done this intentionally until the last few months. Because of that there were some parents I didn't know or if I did know both the youth and parent - I hadn't spent time with them together.

- To create opportunities to meet with the youth in a public location to get to know them individually or in small groups. There will be some youth who don't have a parents who are involved or have divorced parents. I want to spend time with those youth too.

- To educate our congregation about what it means to be a relational ministry. I want to get to know the adults who are already involved and find ways to encourage them. I've started praying that new adults who love teenagers will take the risk and get involved with them. I also want to empower and train all adults so that they know what will be expected of them as they share Christ's love. Hopefully we will be start small groups in the fall so that every youth has a place to be heard and known and loved.

- To watch & see where our teenagers have passion and empower them.

- To change some things that have been done for awhile IF it's time. We aren't going to do something just because we always have or because an adult thinks we need to always do it. Every year we will add new personalities to our group (7th graders) and so every year we need to reevaluate what we are doing and make sure it fits us.

- To continue to get the teenagers plugged into the congregation in service and in worship. I love that the youth are included in the sanctuary choir! What a great way to create lasting relationships!

I'm so thankful for the conversations with my Nashville YMCP cohort over the past year. Because of them and the Sticky Faith curriculum - I feel like I continue to get a clearer picture of my purpose as a youth minister.

My prayer is that we are able to be a congregation that loves our teenagers as they are. Invite our teenagers to see what Jesus is already doing in their lives and in our church. And then ask them to consider what they are called to in response (Thanks, Jon for this last part!)

In the in-between.

I just took a little journey into some of my past and re-read a few of my old blogs. I'm a little surprised at how transparent I used to be. Where did those questions go? Why have I stopped writing? What am I afraid of revealing?

I love it when I find someone's blog about life, love, relationships, faith, struggle, story or youth ministry - I'm so thankful to know that I'm not alone.

So why have I stopped sharing my words & story?

I'm going to own a couple reasons and then it's time to stop using those reasons as an excuse to not write.

1. I like to pretend that this isn't true but I worry about what people think about what i think and do. The people I work for, work with, parents & peers... To write it down feels ridiculous but I'm owning it.

2. Deep sadness. I used to believe that I couldn't be sad. So I wasn't sure what to do with this sorrow and at times lack of feeling. Sad about dad's leukemia, Julia's MS, youth who were going through hell, personal heartbreak and feelings of inadequacy and, of course, working for a church with people who are also going through their own brokenness.

3. I've said for a couple years that I lost my voice. To be perfectly honest - I actually gave my voice away. I started to believe that certain people in my life (not everyone)had more power or better ideas then I did. And I remember being surprised when I tried to offer my own feelings and thoughts about something I felt had value and they didn't want to hear or just wouldn't hear what I had to say. Why should they - I never really asked them to hear me before.

So I started a journey to hear myself again and to offer my gifts and graces to others.

I do have to say that in the middle of these experiences I have been surrounded by people who invited me over and over to see myself as God does, as they do & to risk sharing my life and story. And for that I am deeply grateful - I'm sorry I couldn't hear it for awhile but I do now.

At this moment I still question what I think. Question what I feel. Question what I know. Question what I hope for.

I'm so thankful that I'm okay with these questions. Cause they belong to me. And they push me to ask, risk, tell and take action.

I know I hear my own voice best when I write out my thoughts. So it's time to process and pray and...write.

Abba...I belong to you.

Lord Jesus, be for me the way to Abba, Father.

Be for me all my truth and all my life.
Lead me into the crucified life, which is real life, and eternal.
Lead me away from every lesser thing. By Your love, renew my inner being
so that I can receive Your love, and know it truly,
and be Your love to others.
Amen

...a more reckless Trust

O God, I seek you , but my heart is fickle.
I believe; please help my unbelief.
When all I can do is want to want You,
take my crumb of faith and break it like bread to feed thousands,
beginning, by Your mercy, with me.
You reject no desperate, sinful seeking child.
You say only and always, Come!
I come to You, God.
Pour out Your Spirit on me.
Speak Your words of life to this child.
I pray in Jesus' name, amen.

Prayer from Manning's 19 Mercies: A Spiritual Retreat

"When all I can do is want to want You."

I do believe that there is a Holy Spirit in my life that prompts me, guides me, speaks for me, intercedes for me, speaks through me...

But I spend a lot of my time trying to make sense of God. Jesus. The Holy spirit. And when I try to make them make sense - I forget...the mystery.

Which eventually brings back to only being able to want to want Christ in my life.

Why is it that we as humans have to explain and understand things.

The funny thing is that the more we think we understand...just reveals more that we don't.

I want to be a child that yearns for the Spirit to pour down on me. Every single moment. That I don't miss what God is doing...

Nigerian Mission Experience

For the past week I have spent a lot of time looking up information about taking a small group on a short term missions trips. I have never put together a trip(never mind a missions trip) for my students that wasn't organized by a ministry in some way. This is going to be an adventure...

It has already taken my breath away and I have only had permission to do it for a little over a week!

I am hoping to take 7 of my 11th-12th grade students to Owerri, Nigeria in April of 2009. We will connect with Mary Ann who is serving in Owerri for about 11 months. We have to raise about $3000 per person to just get to Owerri for the week. But once we get there - look out!

The amount of ways that we will be able to serve is innumerable. We will be able to hold orphans at the Motherless Babies Home, we might be able to lead a VBS or just hang out and play with children in the streets and if we are able to raise $10,063 - then we will be digging a well!!!

We will be part of bringing clean water to a community that does not have easy access to water. Mary Ann lives in a building with internet and she has to carry buckets of water in to just flush the toilet!

I just read a blog from a church that did a mission trip this past April. They brought books and worked on building up a library in Owerri. In the blog they mention a desire to help build a playground for the Nigerian Red Cross Orphanage called the Motherless Babies Home.

Okay Father, what are you stirring up in me? I ask right now that you help me hear your voice as I try to figure out what I am supposed to do to worship You through this experience. How do I help this community and these children know Your touch. Help me to hear because I want to "do" so much. Be with Mary Ann right now as she is surrounded by so much need and feels like she isn't "doing" very much. Help all of us that know her story and get to know the children's stories open our hearts to bring You to them. Through water, laughter, touch and whatever else You provide for them.

Could we raise money for a playground? Why not?

I am actually going to go to Owerri in either October or November of this year to scout out the area but I also want to be able to serve as much as possible while I am there. I have two friends that are praying about going with me and if they do - could we start the playground?

As I mentioned before - this trip has already taken my breath away. We already have $4000 for a well. And there are members of my church that are going to try to sponsor some of the students going on the trip in the Spring. There is such an excitement and a feeling of possibility surrounding this little mission experience.

And I.
I am just along for the ride.

Please be in prayer for me and for the members of this trip. They haven't been selected yet - so we don't know who it is going to be and won't for another month!

Recharge...from myspace

Give me raisins or even some floss. I am trying to fix my blog from last week - but I am not sure that this will work. I tried to write it two times last week and then posted with all the weird dots in between. Maybe, I just need to give up on it...but not yet cause I wrote about life and emotions and blessings and examples...so let's see...

I am emotional tonight - I have had many experiences this past week - and most of them have been amazing.

Depressed? Over peopled or experiences? Need some alone time? 30 hours with high school girls at Chrysalis and got to worship with song, me - singing - yep, it was good. The praising God part that is. Time with my 6th graders yesterday, they will be in the youth group officially in a month! Before that ran a 5k at my church - our annual run for Missions. Time with the family for a whole week...prayer together on the beach.

Savior. Example. He never forced himself on anyone. Just was available for anyone. And He went to a garden to pray. Maybe I need to find my garden.

Life changes experiences...from myspace.

Okay, I guess I am cheating a bit. But it is Sunday so I decided to get on this week and blog BECAUSE...I like to process some of my life experiences on here.

I got to do the children's sermon at my church this morning - and it's always amazing to me that almost everytime I teach that I learn. The scripture was Mark 8:34-38 - which talks about if we deny Christ - he will deny us before God. So first of all - HA. Who wants to do a childrens sermon on that?

I used the song "This little light of mine" and talked about how we all have a choice to shine our light or hide it(under a bushel- hello, what is a bushel...it's an amount - the words we use- crazy). Which the irony for me is - that last night I went to dinner to two friends that I hadn't seen in 3 years(we all started the Appalachian Trail) about the same time. We talked for about 4 hours and when our dinner came - they both looked at me with this expectation about praying for dinner - noone said anything, mind you, but they waited...so I just started eating. No prayer.

I woke up this morning - and just laid there realizing that I missed a great opportunity. Not necessarily to change or impact their lives - but to pray with them. I LOVE TO pray. I don't know what was wrong with me...so that's what I talked about this morning. Missing opportunities. And that I am so glad that ultimately - it's about letting Jesus shine through us - and that He will - even when we forget to.