Year Four. Day 16.

"Darkness"

Love running early enough that I get to see the sun come up...

Punching holes into the Darkness

Let's be honest.  

Sometimes life is just overwhelming. With certain situations I ask with hesitation,  "Is it possible darkness won this time??". 

I don't feel like I have solutions or resources or prayers or words to offer... 

Is there enough light???  Will the darkness overcome everything else? 

Almost a year ago, in a church staff day retreat I heard the following statement - "Punch holes into the darkness so light can shine thru...".  

What?!  I scribbled it quickly in the margin. 

I honestly don't really remember anything else we talked about that day. 

I was so taken with the charge and freedom of this action.  What a beautiful way to empower the body of Christ. 

I love that the light was not overcome by the darkness as it says in John 1:5,  "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it".

But I forget that I get to step in and join the process.

I am empowered.

I get to punch holes into the darkness so the light can shine through.  SHINE THROUGH!!!!  The light is still here.  Even if we can't see it.  Even when we can't see it.

I don't have to wait for someone else to reveal the light to me.  I get to take action.

I spent quite a bit of time this past week thinking about all the ways that I get to punch holes in the darkness:

Prayer (What a beautiful, powerful and life giving gift we've been given through this action)

Phone calls and leaving messages

Messages over text, email, twitter, instagram and facebook or whatever it needs to be

Reaching out to someone that others have given up on
Offer grace instead of judgement - to others AND myself

Empowering teenagers to find their gifts and strengths

Helping teenagers take the risk to use their gifts and strengths

Noticing others and making a point to affirm them

Challenging myself and others to see each other the way God sees us. Again and again.

Asking others to share how I could stand with them.  And then actually doing it.

Education

Collecting money or items for people who can't do for themselves.(Josephs Storehouse)

Supporting ministries (Open Table, Nashville) that stand in the gap for the less fortunate

Celebrating victories with my friends who are taking risks for the kingdom. Too many to list but currently pretty proud of my beautiful friend, Mary Ann

World Vision's 30 Hour Famine or SIFAT's "48"

Sponsorship of a beautiful child named Emily in Zimbabwe.

Experiencing life at an orphanage in Haiti (like Sur La Roche)or Nigeria or any where and sharing their story

Telling or retelling stories

Getting to be a part of changing the culture of a youth ministry or a church

Being a real friend

Running a marathon every year to raise money for the National MS Society in my sister's honor

This list could go on and on...

I also give HUGE thanks for the times that others have punched holes into my darkness.

I still feel sadness in certain situations when I just don't understand why... I know I don't know the entire story.  I don't know what God knows.

Today I am remembering Lee and his family and I will tell his story. I don't know all of it.

But I do know that it isn't over.  His story will help me punch another hole and let the light shine through.

*** 

I was wondering where the line "Punching holes into the Darkness" originally came from.  According to the internet -  Robert Louis Stevenson grew up in Scotland on a hillside.  And one night he was watching the lamplighters who would climb a ladder and light the torches on the street lights... his parents or his nanny asked him what he was looking at and he said, "Look at that man!  He's punching holes in the darkness!".

Questions & stories

To be honest - today was a hard day.

I love solo travel because it forces me to spend time by myself - which ultimately means I spend a lot of time in silence - I pray a lot and deal with junk that I need to deal with. It's hard and so good.

It also takes me about three or four days to get to the place where I'm able to listen to myself. Sooo... Yesterday was the day. I cried, wrote, asked hard questions, laughed and let some things go.

I woke up today ready to be all clear. Ready for whatever is next.

Except I didn't enjoy what was next. For some reason the large amounts of snow made me feel trapped. I did NOT like driving on not yet cleared roads in my small rental car. Around 2:00 pm - I found myself sitting in my car outside of Barnes and Noble - trying to decide if I wanted to drive the last few miles to downtown to go to the Anchorage Museum. And. I. Lost. It. I felt the loneliest that I've felt in a long time. I was ready to come home. Pensacola actually. Even looked at moving my flight up a day. Done with the dealing with the hard stuff.

I probably sat in my car for over an hour but eventually after chatting with some good friends I finally felt better. I did decide to go to the museum. I made it there without crashing the car and really enjoyed all the exhibits.

And then. The snow stopped and and the sun came out. I drove to a park and watched the beautiful sunset. When I got back to the hostel I immediately went to one of the community rooms that I hadn't been to yet. Decided to meet some new people! And for the past 3 1/2 hours I have been discussing faith, spirituality and religion with three guys. Two of the them are atheists and the other one says he grew up Methodist. It has been an incredible conversation. They wanted to know what a youth minister actually does. And then the questions began...

It's crazy how you don't think you will make it through the hard, dark times. But I always do. I did. And as cliche as it might sound - I found light again through a sunset and an honest, open conversation.

Tension. Hope. Contradiction. Light. Shadow.

Whew.  I tell you what.  Life is sometimes more than I can handle. 

The ride I am on is definitely calling me to more.  More trust.  More hope.  More letting go. 
Allowing God's light into my shadow life.  

John 3:19-21 - The Message
"This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is."

Parker Palmer talks about "living the contradictions"..."Here we refuse to flee from tension but allow that tension to occupy the center of our lives.  And why would anyone walk this difficult path?  Because by doing so we may receive one of the great gifts of the spiritual life---the transformation of contradiction into paradox...a larger truth than we had even dreamed." 

Where we live in the great dramas of life - the place where God and the world interact.  Living a life with God only points out the contradictions...the contrast of the truth of the spirit and the lies of our lives.  The Spirit wholeness and the brokenness of our lives. 

It seems to me that most people don't sit well living in the contradiction.  We either have such a HARD time with the contradiction that we walk away from God's love and light...or we try so hard to live as far away from the world and to stay "pure". 

So I am attempting to live in the contradiction.  The light and the darkness.  The risk and the hope.  There are many things in my life that I would have NEVER expected even 5 years ago.

I drove to Dairy Queen on Scenic Highway on Tuesday at 6:10 a.m. this past week.  The sky was changing and I had to see it over the water.  The contrast of the dark sky with the beauty of the coral/yellow light piercing through...  I am so thankful for that time that I had with God. 

 

Lamentations 3:22-23 - The Message

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I've got left.