In the in-between.

I just took a little journey into some of my past and re-read a few of my old blogs. I'm a little surprised at how transparent I used to be. Where did those questions go? Why have I stopped writing? What am I afraid of revealing?

I love it when I find someone's blog about life, love, relationships, faith, struggle, story or youth ministry - I'm so thankful to know that I'm not alone.

So why have I stopped sharing my words & story?

I'm going to own a couple reasons and then it's time to stop using those reasons as an excuse to not write.

1. I like to pretend that this isn't true but I worry about what people think about what i think and do. The people I work for, work with, parents & peers... To write it down feels ridiculous but I'm owning it.

2. Deep sadness. I used to believe that I couldn't be sad. So I wasn't sure what to do with this sorrow and at times lack of feeling. Sad about dad's leukemia, Julia's MS, youth who were going through hell, personal heartbreak and feelings of inadequacy and, of course, working for a church with people who are also going through their own brokenness.

3. I've said for a couple years that I lost my voice. To be perfectly honest - I actually gave my voice away. I started to believe that certain people in my life (not everyone)had more power or better ideas then I did. And I remember being surprised when I tried to offer my own feelings and thoughts about something I felt had value and they didn't want to hear or just wouldn't hear what I had to say. Why should they - I never really asked them to hear me before.

So I started a journey to hear myself again and to offer my gifts and graces to others.

I do have to say that in the middle of these experiences I have been surrounded by people who invited me over and over to see myself as God does, as they do & to risk sharing my life and story. And for that I am deeply grateful - I'm sorry I couldn't hear it for awhile but I do now.

At this moment I still question what I think. Question what I feel. Question what I know. Question what I hope for.

I'm so thankful that I'm okay with these questions. Cause they belong to me. And they push me to ask, risk, tell and take action.

I know I hear my own voice best when I write out my thoughts. So it's time to process and pray and...write.

Posture yourself for surprise...

"Posture yourself for surprise..." - Marko

I had the opportunity to go to The Summit Youth Ministry Training Event about 3 weeks ago.  The Summit was set up a little like TED talks but with a youth ministry risk and twist.  The weekend, in my opinion, was to help shake up people in youth ministry.  To help us see our teenagers just as they are and to come alongside of them.  To take risks that might make a few people raise their eyebrows. To dream about the possibilities within our ministries to actually be the hands and feet of Jesus.

I honestly didn't know what I would get out of the weekend except for seeing dear friends and getting to be a part of something new and different in the youth ministry world.  I brought one adult from my youth ministry and two friends from a different ministry in town.  I knew that they would just soak up any information that would come their way.  But I...I feel like I have been extraordinarily fortunate to have been able to continue to learn throughout my ministry in so many different ways.  Through graduate work and other youth ministry conferences - there is a lot of info that I have been able to learn.

As well as last year I was a part of Marko's 2011-2012 Nashville Youth Ministry Coaching Cohort with 9 other incredible youth ministers from around the US.  I got to experience in a small group - what I think that Marko and Adam were trying to do on a bigger scale with The Summit.

Marko, Adam and Tash (the event emcees) welcomed us all with a few words and then Marko invited us to posture ourselves for a variety of things - I honestly don't remember most of them - I just remember thinking I hope everyone else hears what he is saying and postures themselves to be ready for anything!

But I was struck by the statement, "Posture yourself for surprise...".

I wrote that one down and underlined surprise. I haven't been surprised a lot lately.  "Surprise?".  In what way could I be surprised?  I was blown away with the internal struggle that I felt.  I want to believe -  that I can be, that I deserve to be, that I can hope to be surprised in a good way.  But if I'm surprised - how will I handle it?  Will it be a good surprise?  But I typically pretend I know what's going on most of the time so I never appear to be caught off guard or surprised.

So I asked God to help me posture my self for surprise.

And I was surprised.

In lots of different ways.  I was paying attention to the little things.  The ways that people responded to speakers. The ways that people honored each other.  The way that others experienced complete perspective shifts.  Oh, and Uncle Wally playing his ukelele - what a blessing he was to the community during the weekend.

But the biggest surprise was my very own.  World Vision's 30 Hour Famine partnered with The Summit and had an amazing team there for the weekend.  I had some extra time at the beginning of the event and was able to hang out, help them set up a bit and enjoyed getting to know them!
They gave away a free trip with World Vision to Zimbabwe at the last session.  I joked all weekend with my friends that I was going to win the trip.

And then. I did win it.

I was surprised.

They picked me and I ran up to the stage with no shoes on.

God picked me.  I get to have an experience that will broaden my perspective even more.  In January I get to meet people and see programs and hold and play with children.  And I will pray.

So guess what I've been posturing myself for since we left The Summit?  Surprise.  And I'm having a ball along the way.

Tension. Hope. Contradiction. Light. Shadow.

Whew.  I tell you what.  Life is sometimes more than I can handle. 

The ride I am on is definitely calling me to more.  More trust.  More hope.  More letting go. 
Allowing God's light into my shadow life.  

John 3:19-21 - The Message
"This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is."

Parker Palmer talks about "living the contradictions"..."Here we refuse to flee from tension but allow that tension to occupy the center of our lives.  And why would anyone walk this difficult path?  Because by doing so we may receive one of the great gifts of the spiritual life---the transformation of contradiction into paradox...a larger truth than we had even dreamed." 

Where we live in the great dramas of life - the place where God and the world interact.  Living a life with God only points out the contradictions...the contrast of the truth of the spirit and the lies of our lives.  The Spirit wholeness and the brokenness of our lives. 

It seems to me that most people don't sit well living in the contradiction.  We either have such a HARD time with the contradiction that we walk away from God's love and light...or we try so hard to live as far away from the world and to stay "pure". 

So I am attempting to live in the contradiction.  The light and the darkness.  The risk and the hope.  There are many things in my life that I would have NEVER expected even 5 years ago.

I drove to Dairy Queen on Scenic Highway on Tuesday at 6:10 a.m. this past week.  The sky was changing and I had to see it over the water.  The contrast of the dark sky with the beauty of the coral/yellow light piercing through...  I am so thankful for that time that I had with God. 

 

Lamentations 3:22-23 - The Message

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I've got left.

Whoops...

I struggle with my blog for a couple of different reasons...
~Why do I want others to know my thoughts?
~Why would others want to know my thoughts?
~I have a tendency to guard what I write so that I never really say what is on my mind. Which kind of defeats the purpose of what I am trying to express. Way too much of a people pleaser.

I am getting better about this last one - if you read my 2003 AT blog and then hear me tell some of the stories - then you would know that I a lot more honest these days. I just wanted everyone to think I was having an amazing time out there! Which I was...but it was also the hardest thing I have ever done. So I haven't written much this year, because I don't really know how to say where I am. Or what I am experiencing. But I guess I want to try again cause here I am.

2009 has been a hard year for me so far. Even as I read "hard year" I want to change it. I don't want you to think that I am complaining. But dang it, often life is hard. This has been a hard year. Personally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have been with friends in some of their darkest hours, questioned my own calling, had two friends pass away unexpectedly and so much more.

I have also had the opportunity to take 7 students to Nigeria and help bring clean water to a remote village, been running most mornings at 5:30 a.m. to get ready for a marathon and the 2010 Disney's Goofy race and a half challenge, as well as share my heart and life with my students and friends.

And I tried to hold on. Hold on with out calling out. Without letting go. About a month ago - I read Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth". And I thought I was being still...for a second. But I spent some time reading more about what being still really means.

Be Still comes from the Hebrew word - raphah.

abate, cease, consume, draw toward evening, fail, be faint, be wax feeble, forsake,

A primitive root; to slacken (in many applications, literal or figurative) -- abate, cease, consume, draw (toward evening), fail, (be) faint, be (wax) feeble, forsake, idle, leave, let alone (go, down), (be) slack, stay, be still, be slothful, (be) weak(-en).

To fail? Slack? Slothful? Weaken? Man, I have failed this year. Been slothful and am weaker than ever before. I have tears in my eyes as I type this. I fail so that God can be glorified. I fail so that in my brokenness I can no longer feel justified to judge others. I fail so that my story is real. I fail so that I can get in the trenches with others.

It's hard. It's breathtaking.

Who do I think I am?

I know the things about me that are despicable.
There are so many.

Why is it that I feel justified to judge another person?
Where do any of us get off?

I was actually told by someone(that I don't know that well) this morning that a guy I like wasn't good enough for me. REALLY?
Who is?
Who am I good enough for?

When it comes down to it...we all have struggles, compulsions, lies, hopes, fears, joys, loves and so much more that are part of who we are.

As someone who does try really hard to understand individuals hearts - I know that I see potential in people even when others don't. I want all people - my students, family, friends, guys I like - to live up to their potential and to live life as huge as possible! And if I can help people get there...then all the better for me. I love that! But that's part of the twisted little game for me...I help you - and somehow I benefit. I am still working through all of that. But I can acknowledge it.

Before you judge the next person with a tattoo or green hair or four kids or a 13 year old or a slow driver - why don't you look at your own heart and try to figure out why that person makes you feel like you have a right to feel superior to them?

sometimes life sucks

Yeah, and I lose control...I lose control of what I eat and what I think and how I interact with others...
I haven't lost complete control but I want to. :)
Oh well - the best part of life is that we truly live. That we live and we struggle and we love and maybe we will be loved in return. Nothing is guaranteed but I want to engage in the pain and the fun and the hope and faith...
So I am struggling right now but I am alive and I am actually about to go hiking in South Dakota with my sister and her husband for the next ten days...which will be amazing.
I work in a church - and I keep changing every day...I know that I am loved but so many people don't know that and honestly it seems like they don't care either. How is it that most of the people I know are so insecure and don't know who they are that they live in fear and engage with others out of fear? I mean...I have a friend that was planning on coming down to Florida in a couple of weeks - but I haven't heard from her and so I called and asked that she call me to let me know if she was still coming before I leave tomorrow - have I heard from her? Nope. And I don't know why...I mean...she can come or not come but I would like to know before I leave town for 10 days. Just to plan on where everyone is going to sleep!
Wow, I am babbling...it's nice to have a place that noone really knows me or really even reads this but I can just put all of my random thoughts down.
Lord, please watch over me, Julia and Paul - keep us safe as we hike and help us see everything that you want us to experience. And help me.