Lingering - a new spiritual discipline for me?

I went to my parents church on Easter Sunday. Their senior minister, Dr. David Baker, preached about John 20: 1-18 (Mary and two disciples come to Jesus' empty tomb) which is the same scripture I mentioned in my blog earlier this week. Love that their church uses the lectionary as well!

One of the things I enjoy about being a part of bible discussion group AND a church that discusses Scripture according to the lectionary - is that I spend time thinking about that particular scripture for most of the week and then get to hear someone else's perspective on Sunday!! And I especially love it when they teach something that I hadn't noticed or thought of before.

I did notice in last weeks passage is that when the two disciples get to the to tomb they looked around and then left immediately. We talked about why they might have left in my Bible discussion...

But what I didn't particularly notice is that after Mary gets to the tomb - she lingers. Sure she stays behind but I hadn't thought about it as lingering. And because she lingers she actually got to see Jesus again. She thinks he is the gardner at first. Maybe he was near the tomb all along and she didn't notice. But then he calls out her name. Christ shows himself to Mary.

Maybe he showed himself because she lingered...

After Dr. Baker shared this perspective - he asked the congregation - "What do you miss out on in your life because you don't linger? Because you have something else you think you need to get to?"

Immediately I thought - I. Don't. Linger.

I prefer to know the outcome of things. I leave church services or classes as soon as they are over. If I'm uncertain then I tend to remove myself from whatever the situation is. If I feel like I'm out of words for the day, I leave. Lingering feels so awkward to me. I've left dates before it gets awkward just to avoid the unknown. I'm often the first one to leave dinner and start clearing the dishes even if the others are clearly staying longer.

I feel like my leaving is instinctual. I don't really think about it. But it is something I have been recognizing about myself lately.

I wonder about all the things I've missed out on since I don't linger. What friendship have i missed out on or could have grown deeper? How many kisses have I missed? Where did Jesus show up but I was already long gone?

Now for the past month I have been lingering. I've had breakfast, coffee or dinner with as many people in Pensacola that I can. I've started writing again. I haven't moved officially moved to Nashville yet so I can go back to Pensacola one more time. I'm allowing myself to grieve & love & say good bye over time.

This week I'm traveling alone. I'm spending time in Alaska for the first time. When I travel I have a hard time balancing time alone and listening for God's voice - with wanting to see everything I can!!

But I am listening. Lingering. Meeting locals and staying for conversations with them. Sitting in front of mountains and watching them change as the sun moves.

I'm glad that I've been reminded to slow down... To linger. To do this I have to be intentional. I have to make myself stay when I get uncomfortable or bored or feel uncertain.

Now I realize that just because I linger does not mean that my life will be incredibly different. But there could be one time...

...that I linger. And Jesus calls out my name.

In the in-between: Winning?

I belong to a pretty incredible community of people who gather on Tuesday evenings at one of our local bars for a Bible discussion based on the Revised Common Lectionary. It is led by one of my best friends who is the associate minister at Christ Episcopal Church in Pensacola.  We read scripture. We pray. We ask honest questions. Some people drink. Some people listen. There are disagreements. Most of the time everyone honors all the different opinions. I've participated off and on since it started 3 years ago and now that I'm moving I pray I find something similar to belong to!

Our discussion from last night is still on my mind. We discussed John 20:1-18...Where Mary finds Peter and the disciple that Jesus loved and let them know that someone moved the body of Jesus.

We all were struck by the loss that the disciples must have felt in the time before they realized Jesus was gone. They spent the past three years of their lives following and learning from him and then he was killed. Like a common criminal. Where did they go wrong?

Peter knew he had already denied Jesus in public three times too. I can only imagine how horrible he felt about that.

The disciples and many of his followers really expected Jesus to take charge and change the circumstances that the Jewish people were living under.  He was the Messiah and he would get rid of the Romans!  And they were going to be on the winning team with him!!!  But he was crucified on a cross. Where are they going to go now? How can someone save face with all the people they know after such a huge loss?

And then. The stone is moved.  Jesus' body is gone.

Could he have been moved? Did he really rise from the dead? Again, it's hard to comprehend the feelings and hope and fear that they had to have been feeling.

I would have loved to be a part of that community as they realize that Jesus is alive. The story that they expected to play out didn't but it became something so different.  They were - and we are -  invited to be a part of the story. Jesus is about dominating. Jesus isn't about instantly changing the circumstances that we live under.  But he is about changing the story that we are in and he invites us to help him. Jesus did win. But not the way that we expect. Jesus coming back to life is a game changer.

So my question at the end of the discussion is - why do we keep trying to win?  It's not even a game that we are a part of! Why do I keep trying to win?  Why do I feel like I need to succeed according to the standards that other people have set. Why do I put such an emphasis on what others think or believe instead of my own thoughts and beliefs?

I'm not sure I even know how to stop playing the game...

What I do know this morning during Holy Week 2013 - is that even if I get lost and keep trying to play the game- Jesus has changed it. And because my life is lived in His, I get to be a part of what he is doing.  Even if I don't know that I am.  Especially if I don't know that I am.  And that may be exactly how it is supposed to be...

Mmmmm...

The soul loves silence because it is shy, and silence helps it feel safe. The soul loves laugher because it seeks truth, and laughter often reveals reality. But above all, the soul loves life, and both silence and laughter are life-giving.

—Parker J. Palmer