Life is Messy - My latest 30 Hour Famine Blog

I've been reflecting lately about how I have some great (and awkward) life experiences that also make up a really great story. Most of these stories involve me wondering how I ended up in that moment and a lot of laughter. 

This one is something that I went through back in August and I wrote about for the 30 Hour Famine Blog:  What story is God telling in the messiness of your life?

http://www.30hourfamine.org/2013/10/life-messy-complicated-funny/

Year Four. Day 46.

Lunch to-go from Chili's to support St. Jude Children's Research Hospital!

30 Hour Famine Blog - New School Year

It's that time again... Needed to have a blog done this past Tuesday morning. I knew what I wanted to say but it wasn't quite flowing the way I wanted it to... And I was going to see Mumford and Sons on Monday night in Birmingham, AL. 

So I put off finishing until Tuesday morning.  

I wrote about a new school year and being at a new church. How it's a bit of a challenge to invite teens and parents to do something like a 30 Hour Famine especially if it sounds like something hard and "not fun". But so incredibly worth it. It can change our lives, help us realize how we can come together by living out the gospel and that we can bring actual change into children and teenagers lives around the world!

Check it out:

www.30hourfamine.org/2013/09/a-new-school-year-and-a-new-youth-group/

Year Four. Day 33.

Homemade gift from one of my youths! Love it! 

Year Four. Day 32.

Yay! Mumford and Sons... And my pretty incredible friends!

Year Four. Day 31.

Tucker's bed... Things I find while house sitting. 

Year Four. Day 30.

Grape stomping at the Italian Lights Festival with Brenda & Nathan!! 

Punching holes into the Darkness

Let's be honest.  

Sometimes life is just overwhelming. With certain situations I ask with hesitation,  "Is it possible darkness won this time??". 

I don't feel like I have solutions or resources or prayers or words to offer... 

Is there enough light???  Will the darkness overcome everything else? 

Almost a year ago, in a church staff day retreat I heard the following statement - "Punch holes into the darkness so light can shine thru...".  

What?!  I scribbled it quickly in the margin. 

I honestly don't really remember anything else we talked about that day. 

I was so taken with the charge and freedom of this action.  What a beautiful way to empower the body of Christ. 

I love that the light was not overcome by the darkness as it says in John 1:5,  "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it".

But I forget that I get to step in and join the process.

I am empowered.

I get to punch holes into the darkness so the light can shine through.  SHINE THROUGH!!!!  The light is still here.  Even if we can't see it.  Even when we can't see it.

I don't have to wait for someone else to reveal the light to me.  I get to take action.

I spent quite a bit of time this past week thinking about all the ways that I get to punch holes in the darkness:

Prayer (What a beautiful, powerful and life giving gift we've been given through this action)

Phone calls and leaving messages

Messages over text, email, twitter, instagram and facebook or whatever it needs to be

Reaching out to someone that others have given up on
Offer grace instead of judgement - to others AND myself

Empowering teenagers to find their gifts and strengths

Helping teenagers take the risk to use their gifts and strengths

Noticing others and making a point to affirm them

Challenging myself and others to see each other the way God sees us. Again and again.

Asking others to share how I could stand with them.  And then actually doing it.

Education

Collecting money or items for people who can't do for themselves.(Josephs Storehouse)

Supporting ministries (Open Table, Nashville) that stand in the gap for the less fortunate

Celebrating victories with my friends who are taking risks for the kingdom. Too many to list but currently pretty proud of my beautiful friend, Mary Ann

World Vision's 30 Hour Famine or SIFAT's "48"

Sponsorship of a beautiful child named Emily in Zimbabwe.

Experiencing life at an orphanage in Haiti (like Sur La Roche)or Nigeria or any where and sharing their story

Telling or retelling stories

Getting to be a part of changing the culture of a youth ministry or a church

Being a real friend

Running a marathon every year to raise money for the National MS Society in my sister's honor

This list could go on and on...

I also give HUGE thanks for the times that others have punched holes into my darkness.

I still feel sadness in certain situations when I just don't understand why... I know I don't know the entire story.  I don't know what God knows.

Today I am remembering Lee and his family and I will tell his story. I don't know all of it.

But I do know that it isn't over.  His story will help me punch another hole and let the light shine through.

*** 

I was wondering where the line "Punching holes into the Darkness" originally came from.  According to the internet -  Robert Louis Stevenson grew up in Scotland on a hillside.  And one night he was watching the lamplighters who would climb a ladder and light the torches on the street lights... his parents or his nanny asked him what he was looking at and he said, "Look at that man!  He's punching holes in the darkness!".

Year Four. Day 9.

"Simplicity"

Fresh peaches!!!! 

Photography...

I started taking one picture every day almost three years ago.  Three years.  Project 365.  I have taken 1,079 pictures over the past three years.  Including today - I have 16 more pictures to complete three years of daily pictures.

I started this project because a friend of mine who lives in Nashville was posting one picture every day and I was intrigued to see what his pictures would be every day!  Thanks, Zach Prichard!

The first year I would take a picture of whatever I felt like.  Many that year I would be lying in bed and realize that I hadn't taken a picture yet... So I'd jump up and find something in my room that I hadn't photographed so far.

The second year I started out with weekly themes.  I didn't continue that for the entire year but it was an incredible practice to spend an entire week on one theme and look for ways to depict "shadows" or "despair".  I spent way more time paying attention to what was around me each day.

Now I am finishing up year three.  I have been to Ireland, Zimbabwe and Alaska this year.  I moved from Pensacola, FL to Lebanon, TN. I have a beautiful new niece. I left an incredible amount of people that I love to experience community in a new way. I ran my 6th marathon. I cried a lot - tears of joy and tears of pain.

Sometimes I felt like one picture a day wasn't enough!

This practice of taking a picture everyday has become part of my prayer life. I wait till the end of the day to post most of my pics because I get to remember and give thanks for whatever caught my eye.

I don't have a fancy camera. I just use my iphone. What an incredible gift that phone is.

And I'm so thankful that I have been able to recognize that this has become such a practice of intention. Of thanksgiving.  Of prayer. Of noticing. Of seeing.

We all have ways that God is inviting us to slow down.  To "Be Still and know..." - but I know how incredible hard that is to do from day to day.  There are so many things calling to us.  Asking for our attention. Demanding our time.

How do you slow down?  What could be a form of prayer for you that you may not have recognized yet?

I can't wait for year four to start. It's another year to live and experience pain and joy and hope and fear with people in my life. It's another year to invite others to see some things that I recognize as worthy of noticing!

Thank you for those of you who have prayed for me through this process.

Here are just a few of my favorite pics from the past 3 years...

My very first Project 365 picture. August 8, 2010

Completely dependent

I started off my day with a cup of coffee and silence - curled up with my laptop working on some things for the mission trip next week.  I remember telling Susie - "It's so quiet!"

I'm in Pensacola at the Schmidt's (Susie and Gene's) to rent a truck and finally get all of my furniture and boxes and move the stuff to Lebanon. 

I got a call on Tuesday from one of the Pensacola FUMC dad's. He has graciously let store all of my house stuff in one of his POD's for at least 2 1/2 years for FREE!!  Well, he called on Tuesday to let me know that POD was cutting down on their "donation" department.  So I needed to get my stuff out of the POD as soon as possible!  

I wasn't quite sure what to do.  But I decided that it was time to move my stuff up to TN.  On Wednesday night I rented a one-way car and drove down here yesterday. 

Then last night my wallet was stolen out of the rental car. I thought I had locked the car but there wasn't any damage on the car so I guess I left it unlocked.

I realized it was gone around 8:15 a.m. this morning.  I didn't get too worried at first - just figured it was inside somewhere.  But after dumping my two bags out 3 different times and crawling through the car...I checked my online banking accounts and was able to find two charges on one credit card today at a nearby gas station. I hadn't left the house - so that wasn't from me.

The next 45 minutes were a whirlwind

-My rental car was due back at the airport by 9:00 a.m.

-I realized that if I DID take the rental car back - how would I rent another car or truck if I didn't have a drivers license?

-Susie came out ready to take me to the airport to turn the car in

-I called the police and they sent a guy out immediately

-I called my church in Lebanon and completely fell apart on the phone with them

-Lisa and Pam tried to figure out ways to help me rent a truck over the phone

-the police man dusted for prints and took all my info

-I cancelled all of my credit cards and found out I could have my american express overnighted for free

-I took the rental car back 30 minutes late but my lateness was excused.

-Susie figured out how I could get a replacement drivers license today

-But the half empty tank of gas was not.  I forgot and wouldn't have been able to get gas anyways without a credit card.  So that half tank cost - $79

-Susie took me to the dmv and gave me money to pay for the drivers license

-I was able to get a drivers license with very little trouble because I had gotten a new last year and had a "gold star".  Which means they have copies of all the things that prove that I am me. 

-Susie also has helped me rent a moving truck so I can still move all of my stuff tomorrow morning

It's now early afternoon.  I am overwhelmed and wondering. I feel like the past month has been a total lesson for me to realize just how much I am dependent on others.  And I have to ask for help. And I have to let them help me. Again. I thought I had learned this. 

I have texted a bunch of different people to ask if they can help me move tomorrow.  I am always amazed at how many people are willing. Even if they aren't able.

I think I am also amazed at the people who are not willing. 

I hope I get to a place in my life where I don't apologize when I ask someone to help me with bigger things.  I think have gotten there with the smaller things. 

Here are the things that I haven't figured out yet - 

I still need a place of my own to live in Lebanon or Mt. Juliet that doesn't cost more then I can afford.

I still need a place to store everything.

I still need to sell my house.

I still need to buy a new gas heater and air conditioning system for the house in Pensacola - cost: $4000

I am humbled and thankful for the people who stand alongside of me in this process.

Recognize. Turn back. Say thank you.

30 Hour Famine blog -

Last month I blogged about the practice of saying thank you as a spiritual discipline. So when Marko suggested that I use that same idea for my 30 Hour Famine blog - I spent some time figuring out how to line up what I am experiencing through this spiritual discipline in a way that would make sense and invite other youth leaders to try this practice for themselves.

I'm not sure if I got it quite as clear as I had hoped. But I really do believe that if we take the time to say thank you for all the things that we have - it helps to not take advantage.  The practice may not change a child's life in another country but it could change how we approach ministry...our youth...our day to day lives - which might possibly it change our lives and their lives in a small but significant way.

Ironically, the two days I was working on this blog have been filled with hard or sad news - personal and for a few friends.

Amazing how I'm challenged to continue to say thank you. Even if I'm not sure what to say thank you for yet.

Wanna read what I wrote for the 30 Hour Famine?  Check it out here:

http://www.30hourfamine.org/2013/06/recognize-turn-back-say-thank-you/

Slow awakening

I've had two months off between leaving Pensacola and moving to Lebanon. No work!

I've had time to (re)start rhythms/patterns in my life that consist of resting, noticing & offering thanks, prayer for others, listening for God's direction, attempting to love with generosity and blogging about some of the experiences.

Man, what a gift...

This past Sunday I started a new job. At a new church. With new teenagers and families. To get to know. To grow with. To love. To empower. To be light.

My plan is to continue with this slower rhythm that I started in these two months off.

I want to be intentional in this ministry. Take my time to get to know the youth and families. Figure out who they are and where God is already leading them.

I know the staff, families and youth are pretty excited about me getting here. I know there are a lot of expectations.

I already feel a pressure (I realize I may be putting this pressure on myself) to plan things and change things and get all the youth who haven't been in awhile to come back.

So here are some goals that I pray I am able to follow through on and communicate clearly with grace:

- I'm inviting myself over to all of the youth homes for dinner. Free dinner is always a good thing. Right?! But I also want to meet the entire family together if that is possible. To see how they interact. I realized in November at FUMC Pensacola that I hadn't done this intentionally until the last few months. Because of that there were some parents I didn't know or if I did know both the youth and parent - I hadn't spent time with them together.

- To create opportunities to meet with the youth in a public location to get to know them individually or in small groups. There will be some youth who don't have a parents who are involved or have divorced parents. I want to spend time with those youth too.

- To educate our congregation about what it means to be a relational ministry. I want to get to know the adults who are already involved and find ways to encourage them. I've started praying that new adults who love teenagers will take the risk and get involved with them. I also want to empower and train all adults so that they know what will be expected of them as they share Christ's love. Hopefully we will be start small groups in the fall so that every youth has a place to be heard and known and loved.

- To watch & see where our teenagers have passion and empower them.

- To change some things that have been done for awhile IF it's time. We aren't going to do something just because we always have or because an adult thinks we need to always do it. Every year we will add new personalities to our group (7th graders) and so every year we need to reevaluate what we are doing and make sure it fits us.

- To continue to get the teenagers plugged into the congregation in service and in worship. I love that the youth are included in the sanctuary choir! What a great way to create lasting relationships!

I'm so thankful for the conversations with my Nashville YMCP cohort over the past year. Because of them and the Sticky Faith curriculum - I feel like I continue to get a clearer picture of my purpose as a youth minister.

My prayer is that we are able to be a congregation that loves our teenagers as they are. Invite our teenagers to see what Jesus is already doing in their lives and in our church. And then ask them to consider what they are called to in response (Thanks, Jon for this last part!)

Intentional gratitude (or positives or thankfulness or joys)

My dear friend, Val, has been sharing what she is thankful for in her blog. I think she got this idea from a book by Ann Voskamp called "One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are". My understanding is that Voskamp challenges her readers to name 1000 separate gifts they are thankful for. I'm not 100 percent certain about this since I haven't read the book (I'm adding it to my list of books to read one day).

Val has recorded over 1400 gifts that she is thankful for over the past 9 months or so...

My sister, Julia, started being intentional about recognizing and recording "Positives for the day" about two years ago when life was pretty dark for her. I'm not sure if she is still recording these but I know that this practice was a great reminder for her to find things that made her smile - especially when she didn't feel like it!

What a beautiful practice!

Can you think of someone who offers thanks intentionally?


On the other hand, complaining is so easy to do! It's like a competition to share with others how you have suffered more than others. I'm also noticing that more and more people (my youth included) are whining or complaining on social media. What's interesting is that a few have actually turned complaints into comedy - which seems to be encouraging them to figure out new ways to share their complaints and to make them funny.

Have any of you noticed a trend of recording complaints online?


What would it look like if we all intentionally looked for and shared ways that we feel gratitude. For everything happening in our lives. Even on bad days.

I work with teenagers. It's pretty important to me to do the things that I challenge/encourage my youth to try. Sometimes this actually helps them take the risk to try things because they know they aren't the only one doing it. At least I hope it does!!

I want to encourage my youth to give thanks.

I'm actually in between churches right now - I start with a new youth group in less than two weeks. Maybe intentional gratitude will be our theme this summer!?

But...before I get to the youth, I'm going to work on my own list. Of things that I recognize. And give thanks. Savoring.

Valerie, thank you for the reminder!!

1st Thessalonians 5:18 "...thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live."

Wants? Got some?

I'm re-reading Donald Millers book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years for the third time(two times in the past few months).

I am so taken with the idea of telling a good story with our lives. The first time I was introduced to this idea - was by Dan Allendar at his 2004 "To Be Told" seminar in Franklin, TN. I bought his notes & later bought his book as well. I've used STORY as a summer theme for my senior high teaching back in 2008. I love the idea of story.

Every time I explore this idea either through a conference, DVD, or a book - I learn something new that clarifies my action or inaction and helps me to redirect. It's almost frustrating as well as slightly comical. It takes me a couple times to really learn something. Why couldn't I learn what I needed to learn the first time I read it? But here I am repeating patterns and realizing some of them for the first time. Again.

It's been challenging and encouraging to read Miller's words about story, character, conflict, development and think about how the shaping of stories applies to the story of my life.

I know that for a year or so I stopped living out my entire story...in some ways I was just trying to get by. Maybe God allows for times like that in our stories. I hope I didn't miss too much. Either way I know that I'm not the only one who has gone through that kind of darkness.

Right now I'm in the middle of a story that's bigger than me right now. My life has changed quite a bit in the last 6 months. I can even tell you exactly when this story jump started but I have no idea where this story is going. I'm just in it.

Do I need to know where it's going? Do I know where I want it to go??

In chapter 19, Miller asks a question that I've been sitting with most of today:

“I was watching the movie Star Wars recently and wondered what made that movie so good. Of course, there are a thousand reasons. But I also noticed that if I paused the DVD on any frame, I could point toward any major character and say exactly what that person wanted. No character had a vague ambition.
It made me wonder if the reasons our lives seem so muddled is because we keep walking into scenes in which we, along with the people around us, have no clear idea what we want.”

Yikes. Do I know exactly what I want?

For the most part... I would say, yes:
To live a life filled with sabbath
To travel
To come alongside others with prayer
To visit all 50 states
To run a marathon each year and raise money for the National Multiple Scerosis Society
To eat good food
To love teenagers and be an advocate for them
To help teenagers see beyond the world that they currently live in
To be a youth minister
To spend lots of time with my beautiful niece, Grace
To empower others to find their place in the body of Christ

And...

Um. I want to be married. And have a child.

Married?

[Maybe I should erase that]

Do I live out my life like marriage is something I want? I don't think I do.

I believed early on in my life that it was better or stronger to take care of yourself and to not need anyone else. I've been fighting that lie in many different areas of my story but I still pretend that it is true when it comes to falling in love. It feels shameful.

I like to be the one who travels and explores and eats yummy food and...

Ech. I do want to erase all of this.

I'm afraid that it will never happen and it's easier to pretend you never wanted it.

My God is not the God of fear.

I don't believe that being married is the ultimate goal in life. I don't have to be married to have a complete life. I want someone in my life. Someone who is willing to dance this messy but beautiful dance with me... and God. Who will choose to love me. On the days he takes delight in me and especially on the days he doesn't.

So in my story - how do I live out that desire.

I am attempting to keep my heart open even when it gets hurt. To risk being hurt again and again. I've taken a few risks lately and I have been hurt. I have also been able to see glimpses of glory in some of the situations. And those glimpses make everything else worth it.

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C.S. Lewis

Ya heard of scleroderma??

I'm sitting with four dear friends and one new friend in the Pittsburgh Presbyterian Hospital. This hospital specializes in Lung Transplants and my sweet friend, Lorene is on the Lung Transplant list because she was diagnosed in 2010 with Scleroderma. Her symptoms have caused her lungs to harden - which makes it extremely hard to do anything. In the past, people with this form of scleroderma were sent home to die - but now there are a few hospitals that offer lung transplants. It's not easy to get in the list but after lorene was rejected from Duke - Pittsburgh said yes. You can read about her journey - here.

We were sitting in her apartment for only 1 1/2 hours when Lorene got a phone call around 2:00 pm. There was a lung available and they wanted her in the hospital in the next 30 minutes. This is the first time that she was given a hospital room and was completely ready in a bed for surgery at 9:30 tonight.

So we are waiting. With Lorene and her husband, Steve. They have a sweet relationship and are both handling the unknowns of this disease and the transplant situation well.

We know right now that one of her three surgeons flew to where the available lung is and is personally going to check it out. If this lung is a healthy match then the surgeon will fly back with it and then Lorene will go into surgery.

We've laughed a lot today. A lot.

Lorene, Sandi, Mandi and Kelly have all been friends since they were in elementary school. I met them all in high school. We are telling stories, making fun of each other and catching up. All 5 of us haven't been together since the end of high school.

*******************

It's now 1:00 am.

The lungs were a no-go. The surgeon found pneumonia in the lungs so another doctor came to let Lorene know. She was released and we all left.

There was a sense all day that it would be amazing that if she received her new lungs while the four of us were here. So it was a definite let down to hear that she wasn't getting new lungs tonight.

I'm still so thankful that we have been here with her though - this roller coaster is part of her journey. It's been amazing to me to see the outpouring of love, well-wishes and prayers from so many people in her life - from all over the world! Keep the prayers coming...for her strength and continued health and for her new lungs to come available soon!

Thoughts and time.

I'm sitting at my parents breakfast nook.

No one else is home.

My dad set up the coffee maker to make me a perfect cup of strong coffee before he left this morning.

There is a note from mom about having "real Nuremberger bratwursts" for dinner. But she asks it as a question because she always wants to make sure we all approve. Need to remember to tell my sister.

I want to remember this moment. It almost feels tangible.

Little things.

Time to notice.

Time to pray for people that I love.

Time to offer thanks.

Questions & stories

To be honest - today was a hard day.

I love solo travel because it forces me to spend time by myself - which ultimately means I spend a lot of time in silence - I pray a lot and deal with junk that I need to deal with. It's hard and so good.

It also takes me about three or four days to get to the place where I'm able to listen to myself. Sooo... Yesterday was the day. I cried, wrote, asked hard questions, laughed and let some things go.

I woke up today ready to be all clear. Ready for whatever is next.

Except I didn't enjoy what was next. For some reason the large amounts of snow made me feel trapped. I did NOT like driving on not yet cleared roads in my small rental car. Around 2:00 pm - I found myself sitting in my car outside of Barnes and Noble - trying to decide if I wanted to drive the last few miles to downtown to go to the Anchorage Museum. And. I. Lost. It. I felt the loneliest that I've felt in a long time. I was ready to come home. Pensacola actually. Even looked at moving my flight up a day. Done with the dealing with the hard stuff.

I probably sat in my car for over an hour but eventually after chatting with some good friends I finally felt better. I did decide to go to the museum. I made it there without crashing the car and really enjoyed all the exhibits.

And then. The snow stopped and and the sun came out. I drove to a park and watched the beautiful sunset. When I got back to the hostel I immediately went to one of the community rooms that I hadn't been to yet. Decided to meet some new people! And for the past 3 1/2 hours I have been discussing faith, spirituality and religion with three guys. Two of the them are atheists and the other one says he grew up Methodist. It has been an incredible conversation. They wanted to know what a youth minister actually does. And then the questions began...

It's crazy how you don't think you will make it through the hard, dark times. But I always do. I did. And as cliche as it might sound - I found light again through a sunset and an honest, open conversation.

Keeping my eyes above the waves...

I have a tendency to listen certain songs over and over. Typically they are songs that evoke some kind of response out of me. This week while driving around Alaska - there have definitely been a few that have been on repeat.

Some of the singers/songs:

Ingrid Michaelson
Maybe:
I don't wanna be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

Everybody:
Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin

Philip Philips
Gone, Gone, Gone:
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating- I freakin love this song right now!

Garrison Starr
Gasoline:
And I wish I could save you
From all the shrieking voices
Inside your head that rip you to shreds
And tell you lies
Like there's no happiness to find


And THE ONE that keeps taking my breath away today is from Hillsongs latest album
Oceans - Where feet may fail:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior


That first line...Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders??? Really? No borders? What if I'm trusting in the wrong thing? How do I honestly know when it comes to the matters I have questions about?

My trust has so many borders - it almost pisses me off. I've cried today while listening to this song. Gotten angry. Even had moments of profound hope. I wish I was in a place to completely trust. But I'm not sure that its possible for me to trust God without borders.

I AM trying.

My favorite part of this song are these six lines - and they are repeated six times. Reminds me of Taize songs or even a longer breath prayer.

In my moments of profound hope today - I have actually said (to myself), "I'm in love with my life!" Which would crack me up.

I'm not exactly sure what is NEXT in my life but lately I've been smack in the middle of something hard. As well as beautiful. I like the steps I've taken. I'm sharing my heart more. I've cried a lot. I'm taking risks. I'm trying to be present even when I want to shut down(that's the hardest for me).

In the something next - I don't know how much of the story that I'm in the middle of now will continue but what I do know is that I'm trying to approach it all as a celebration.

I'm ok if I'm not able to trust God without borders. But I'm planning to repeat those six lines over and over as a prayer until they do become truer in my life.

Lingering - a new spiritual discipline for me?

I went to my parents church on Easter Sunday. Their senior minister, Dr. David Baker, preached about John 20: 1-18 (Mary and two disciples come to Jesus' empty tomb) which is the same scripture I mentioned in my blog earlier this week. Love that their church uses the lectionary as well!

One of the things I enjoy about being a part of bible discussion group AND a church that discusses Scripture according to the lectionary - is that I spend time thinking about that particular scripture for most of the week and then get to hear someone else's perspective on Sunday!! And I especially love it when they teach something that I hadn't noticed or thought of before.

I did notice in last weeks passage is that when the two disciples get to the to tomb they looked around and then left immediately. We talked about why they might have left in my Bible discussion...

But what I didn't particularly notice is that after Mary gets to the tomb - she lingers. Sure she stays behind but I hadn't thought about it as lingering. And because she lingers she actually got to see Jesus again. She thinks he is the gardner at first. Maybe he was near the tomb all along and she didn't notice. But then he calls out her name. Christ shows himself to Mary.

Maybe he showed himself because she lingered...

After Dr. Baker shared this perspective - he asked the congregation - "What do you miss out on in your life because you don't linger? Because you have something else you think you need to get to?"

Immediately I thought - I. Don't. Linger.

I prefer to know the outcome of things. I leave church services or classes as soon as they are over. If I'm uncertain then I tend to remove myself from whatever the situation is. If I feel like I'm out of words for the day, I leave. Lingering feels so awkward to me. I've left dates before it gets awkward just to avoid the unknown. I'm often the first one to leave dinner and start clearing the dishes even if the others are clearly staying longer.

I feel like my leaving is instinctual. I don't really think about it. But it is something I have been recognizing about myself lately.

I wonder about all the things I've missed out on since I don't linger. What friendship have i missed out on or could have grown deeper? How many kisses have I missed? Where did Jesus show up but I was already long gone?

Now for the past month I have been lingering. I've had breakfast, coffee or dinner with as many people in Pensacola that I can. I've started writing again. I haven't moved officially moved to Nashville yet so I can go back to Pensacola one more time. I'm allowing myself to grieve & love & say good bye over time.

This week I'm traveling alone. I'm spending time in Alaska for the first time. When I travel I have a hard time balancing time alone and listening for God's voice - with wanting to see everything I can!!

But I am listening. Lingering. Meeting locals and staying for conversations with them. Sitting in front of mountains and watching them change as the sun moves.

I'm glad that I've been reminded to slow down... To linger. To do this I have to be intentional. I have to make myself stay when I get uncomfortable or bored or feel uncertain.

Now I realize that just because I linger does not mean that my life will be incredibly different. But there could be one time...

...that I linger. And Jesus calls out my name.