Planning and wondering and opening...

It's a Monday afternoon - half way through the month of May and I am sitting at my desk. I've been at this position for exactly two weeks.

I have a copy of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, "Dangerous Wonder" by Michael Yaconelli, the youth version of Groups VBS for Youth - Kingdom Rock sitting on my desk and I just reread through the first two weeks of "Sticky Faith Every Day: 8 Weeks of Knowing God More". 

I decided about an hour ago that I should already know what I'm teaching on for the summer and to start planning for the fall - and I started to feel overwhelmed by all the things that I think the youth NEED to know NOW!  I'm already behind! How do I cover everything now? 

-having a thankful heart
-wanting to serve others but not because they should
-having faith like a child
-build relationships with adults in our church

I also need to get the parents and volunteers caught up!  I need them to make this ministry work. So I've got to buy Mark Yaconelli's book - "Contemplative Youth Ministry" for all of the adults.  I should have done that last week!  And how do I best figure out what the adults are best gifted at and plug them in? 

I've even skimmed Chris Folmsbee book " A New Kind of Youth Ministry".

And then I just started to tear up.  Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit.

I put my head on my arm and I stopped.

I prayed.  I asked for forgiveness. I asked for wisdom. I asked for grace. And I asked for insight in how to lead this ministry with humility and inclusiveness. (Mind you this didn't take a long time)


~~Now I need to make sure that I say - I know that all of the things that I am hoping to teach and invite these youth and adults into are good things. Good. The books that I listed above are GREAT.  FYI - I think everyone should read them.  ~~


I am good at youth ministry. 

Meaning that I'm good at doing what needs to be done.  I make ministers and parents feel like their youth have a good group to belong to.  And that's good!

But...

But I don't want to only be good at youth ministry.

I want to be an individual who loves Jesus and loves teenagers and helps them know that they are loved by Jesus in such a way that these youth can't wait to know more about him.

To be perfectly honest...since I started this new position two weeks ago - I started building the youth ministry machine. It's what I'm good at!  And it already looks good.

Even though I knew I didn't want to.

I forgot to love Jesus first.

I haven't forgotten about loving teenagers - I'm good at that too. But I'm wondering if there is a way that I could be even more present.  In a way that I have never done before or at least haven't done in a while.

Risk.

Inviting youth and adults into relationship with me. 
Into relationship with each other.
Into relationship with Jesus.

It really is that easy.  Why do I make it harder?

Prayer.

I need to be more intentional to pray for them. Not just in my time of Sabbath but also as part of my work week.

Invite people to pray with me.

Risk.

So I'm done with planning for today.

I've got a list of youth that I haven't met yet. Time to pray and maybe contact.

But first - pray.

Wants? Got some?

I'm re-reading Donald Millers book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years for the third time(two times in the past few months).

I am so taken with the idea of telling a good story with our lives. The first time I was introduced to this idea - was by Dan Allendar at his 2004 "To Be Told" seminar in Franklin, TN. I bought his notes & later bought his book as well. I've used STORY as a summer theme for my senior high teaching back in 2008. I love the idea of story.

Every time I explore this idea either through a conference, DVD, or a book - I learn something new that clarifies my action or inaction and helps me to redirect. It's almost frustrating as well as slightly comical. It takes me a couple times to really learn something. Why couldn't I learn what I needed to learn the first time I read it? But here I am repeating patterns and realizing some of them for the first time. Again.

It's been challenging and encouraging to read Miller's words about story, character, conflict, development and think about how the shaping of stories applies to the story of my life.

I know that for a year or so I stopped living out my entire story...in some ways I was just trying to get by. Maybe God allows for times like that in our stories. I hope I didn't miss too much. Either way I know that I'm not the only one who has gone through that kind of darkness.

Right now I'm in the middle of a story that's bigger than me right now. My life has changed quite a bit in the last 6 months. I can even tell you exactly when this story jump started but I have no idea where this story is going. I'm just in it.

Do I need to know where it's going? Do I know where I want it to go??

In chapter 19, Miller asks a question that I've been sitting with most of today:

“I was watching the movie Star Wars recently and wondered what made that movie so good. Of course, there are a thousand reasons. But I also noticed that if I paused the DVD on any frame, I could point toward any major character and say exactly what that person wanted. No character had a vague ambition.
It made me wonder if the reasons our lives seem so muddled is because we keep walking into scenes in which we, along with the people around us, have no clear idea what we want.”

Yikes. Do I know exactly what I want?

For the most part... I would say, yes:
To live a life filled with sabbath
To travel
To come alongside others with prayer
To visit all 50 states
To run a marathon each year and raise money for the National Multiple Scerosis Society
To eat good food
To love teenagers and be an advocate for them
To help teenagers see beyond the world that they currently live in
To be a youth minister
To spend lots of time with my beautiful niece, Grace
To empower others to find their place in the body of Christ

And...

Um. I want to be married. And have a child.

Married?

[Maybe I should erase that]

Do I live out my life like marriage is something I want? I don't think I do.

I believed early on in my life that it was better or stronger to take care of yourself and to not need anyone else. I've been fighting that lie in many different areas of my story but I still pretend that it is true when it comes to falling in love. It feels shameful.

I like to be the one who travels and explores and eats yummy food and...

Ech. I do want to erase all of this.

I'm afraid that it will never happen and it's easier to pretend you never wanted it.

My God is not the God of fear.

I don't believe that being married is the ultimate goal in life. I don't have to be married to have a complete life. I want someone in my life. Someone who is willing to dance this messy but beautiful dance with me... and God. Who will choose to love me. On the days he takes delight in me and especially on the days he doesn't.

So in my story - how do I live out that desire.

I am attempting to keep my heart open even when it gets hurt. To risk being hurt again and again. I've taken a few risks lately and I have been hurt. I have also been able to see glimpses of glory in some of the situations. And those glimpses make everything else worth it.

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C.S. Lewis