Rich Young Ruler

Tuesday, October 20th - thoughts of the day

I am sitting in my car pulled off - on the side of a mountain road looking a vast expanse...mountains, LOTS of green, clouds, sheep, trees...I can't even describe the detail of the grass and the way it has so much depth compared to the trees and the contrast to the blue sky!!! Sigh.

I am on the Forgotten World Highway(which I have since learned is a destination in itself - and I just happened upon it!) and I have pulled over 5 times in the last 45 minutes because the views are so exquisite. Seriously. It took me about 3 hours to drive someting that should have taken me half of that...it was amazing.

Anyways, on the side of the road with David Crowder and Derek Webb playing in the background and I have been praying and tearing up and just thinking about life.

It's hard to admit that I struggle. I used to always want to be seen as somebody who not only has it all together but I also enjoy everything I go through! But I am learing to be more honest with myself. I have been struggling lately with my purpose and where I believe God is calling me. If I could make any money - I think I want to sell my house and give the money away to someone who needs it more...but I don't think I would make any money. I know that going to Nigeria this past year shook my faith and what I feel I can actually make a difference with here on earth.

Being on my own these past few days - has allowed me to hear and to be broken as well as strengthened in my faith and what I believe Jesus calls his people to as His body. So what does that mean to my life? I have no idea except that I have to keep listening.

But man, it is easier for me to hear him when I am outside.

Derek Webb - "Rich Young Ruler"

poverty is so hard to see
when it’s only on your tv and twenty miles across town
where we’re all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus’ neighborhood
where he’s hungry and not feeling so good
from going through our trash
he says, more than just your cash and coin
i want your time, i want your voice
i want the things you just can’t give me

so what must we do
here in the west we want to follow you
we speak the language and we keep all the rules
even a few we made up
come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your suv
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor
what is this, hey what’s the deal
i don’t sleep around and i don’t steal
i want the things you just can’t give me

because what you do to the least of these
my brother’s, you have done it to me
because i want the things you just can’t give me

Taking a walk...

I have begun to walk in the evenings. Not long walks and normally after 8:00 p.m. but just time for me to get out and think. I have found lately that if I don't remove myself from my couch in the evening - I will typically spend most of the time watching one of my netflix movies or tv shows...and spending way too much time online. I really haven't been blogging or journaling much anymore and I think part of it has been that I don't give myself time to process my thoughts.

I used to run outside at least 3 days a week...and even if I was out there with a friend, I had time to process. I am starting to run more often now that my feet are doing better but I am still picking the air conditioned gym over being outside in the Florida humid summer heat.

Walking outside after the sun is down is giving me a chance to breathe again. It's a weird feeling to be out there by myself in the shadows, random cars pass me and I can see people moving around in their houses...they have no idea I am walking past their house at that moment.

I've been surprised by feelings and memories each time I am out there. I think of people that I want to connect with or remember how I reacted recently in a way that I am not proud of - or wherever else my brain takes me in the moment.

Tonight, the moon isn't not very bright. There are clouds out and it just seems so peaceful. I was thinking about how much I still want to do in my life. My dreams. And how so often I feel overwhelmed by what is undone...and I want to help by improving some of the little things that can make a big difference in this world. Also about how I love being single because I really, really can do what I want. I feel like I am better at everything that I do because I am not connected to anyone in anyway... But I also long to find a man who will love me and challenge me and walk with me.

I think I am getting older. And I like it.

Passion

What am I most passionate about?

The word Passionate (from dictionary.com):
/ˈpæʃənɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[pash-uh-nit] –adjective

1.	having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling; fervid: a passionate advocate of socialism.

2.	easily aroused to or influenced by sexual desire; ardently sensual.

3.	expressing, showing, or marked by intense or strong feeling; emotional: passionate language.

4.	intense or vehement, as emotions or feelings: passionate grief.

5.	easily moved to anger; quick-tempered; irascible.

Okay, so passionate. Well, which minute? My passions change depending on what is right in front of me.
Example -
One minute I am concerned about world hunger and how I can make a difference but then I get distracted by my lunch time.

Do our passions stay the same? There are so many things to learn about and to believe in and to take a stand about...how do you decide? Or are we just automatically passionate about one thing? My sister is passionate about animals in a way that I could never learn to. I know after the 30 Hour Famine this week many of my students are determined to make a difference now that they know that they actually can. So will they remain passionate about eradicating world hunger?

Okay, but I get away from what I am passionate about.

I know that I am passionate about:
Living life to the fullest.
Listening for God's voice in the middle all the other voices.
Being real.
Communicating well so that I am really heard.
Helping others find themselves.
Making a difference in this world for good.
Learning from my own and others mistakes.
Making time to really see or hear another person's story.


I get passionate(or frustrated) when people misunderstand me or get confused by my actions - Good or bad. I don't like to be misunderstood.

I am passionate about letting my soul dance and rest...

Partial thoughts...from myspace

God utters me like a word containing a partial thought of himself --Thomas Merton

I have been sitting with this quote for a couple of days. I have to be perfectly honest right now - did Mr. Merton know what he was saying when he said this or was it more like it came out of his mouth and then he realized just how amazing it was?

I am a word from God. Uttered. But more than that - I contain a partial thought of himself. And that happens just because it came from Him. Me from Him. On my own, but a part of who He is.

Do you know how freeing that is? I have been teaching on "masks" and trying to own our weaknesses and sins and to realize that God is sitting with us right in the middle of all of it. Own. I am nut. Insecure at times, and seriously secure a lot of the time. I have been allowed to glimpse just how beautiful the body of Christ is - two times today! The...working along side others and all of us doing our part that we LOVE to do and each of us completes a different part of the picture! Encouraging one another. Loving one another boldly. Accepting the oddnesses(is that a word?) in each other.

I read a book about 5 years ago, that I really want to find again. It was in my church library, but I can't find it now. It was a fiction story of a boy with a weak heart and his faith journey. He loved to talk about concepts of the heart - and about the God shaped hole in all of us...but he put a twist on it as well. That God has an "Emily" shaped hole in His heart - and only I can fit there... I LOVE THAT!

God uttered me to draw me back to fill a spot in His heart.

That's what I am created to do! To be me. To be the odd, slightly smelly, beautiful, alive, real, not always focused, questioning, inspired, truth seeking, travelling, simple - yet strangely complex, protecting, ugly footed, music making, enchanted, pretend runner, hopeful, discouraged, listening, strength building, flip flop wearing, exploring, slightly annoying yet quite loveable - me. So that others can see a part of Him. Not all of Him because I don't embody all of Him. Just a partial thought.