Year Four. Day 5.

"Strong"

I can't wait to explore this book with my youth!!

Savorings...451-500

451. Finding some Ale 8 one's to share with the youth

452. Confrontation Point ministries

453. CP's willingness to be a ministry that teaches truth & hard situations so that we can grow in our relationships with God, selves & others

454. This youth groups willingness to sing together 

455. Coming home to an empty house for about 4 days

456. Taking the risk to ask for help(again) in finding a new place to live

457. That community includes people I haven't even met

458. Pedicure/manicure with Michelle after the mission trip

459. Being invited out on to the boat by Michele G and getting to go

460. Spending time on a lake

461. Cheap flights to Ohio

462. Watching my sister as an amazing mom to Grace

463. Almost skipping the 4th of July Race with dad

464. Deciding to run it even if it rains

465. Going to 3 different fast food places with dad after the race

466. Watching more episodes of Big Bang Theory

467. Mom falling asleep while we watch tv 

468. Listening to mom get excited about the Tour De France 

469. Playing games with the middle schoolers

470. Choices of objects to represent Gods love in our lives

471. Hard & good conversations with Mo during VBS

472. Watching crazy rainstorms

473. Chris Crowell & Gregg Key eating dinner & taking their time

474. Deciding to leave for Memphis at 8:30 pm

475. Laughing with Stacy & Candis

476. Yummy shaved ice from Jerry's in Memphis

477. The beautiful weather during our 20 mile bike ride

478. Trying local beers

479. Listening to Cora ask questions & tell stories

480. PULSE moved to Painturo's for rest of summer

481. Reconnecting with Courtney

482. Asking a few youth to volunteer for Project Transformation & they said yes

483. Watching the youth interact with the children at Project Transformation

484. Inside jokes and lunch with the youth at Which Wich

485. The fact my mom, Julia & Grace drove with me to Pittsburgh for the day

486. Gracie's first road trip

487. Getting to see and communicate with Lorene

488. Seeing Mandi & Will in the hospital too

489. Meeting up with Rachel Warren at Chipotle - & see Chuck & Charles

490. Lazy Saturdays with Ingrid

491. Watching the youth jump in & play with our church family at the pool party

492. Tuesday night runs with the Mt Juliet Flyers

493. Completely falling apart on my 8 mile run - 

494. Going to Summer Sizzler with my youth

495. Watching some of the youth laugh & play on the seesaw

496. Worship at Vesper Point with Paul leading

497. Moving to a new house!!!!!!!!

498. House sitting at Michelle's

499. Time by the pool with Sophia & Ingrid

500. Breathing - really breathing again

“To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.” - Johannes A Gaertner

     Summer Sizzler 2013

Wants? Got some?

I'm re-reading Donald Millers book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years for the third time(two times in the past few months).

I am so taken with the idea of telling a good story with our lives. The first time I was introduced to this idea - was by Dan Allendar at his 2004 "To Be Told" seminar in Franklin, TN. I bought his notes & later bought his book as well. I've used STORY as a summer theme for my senior high teaching back in 2008. I love the idea of story.

Every time I explore this idea either through a conference, DVD, or a book - I learn something new that clarifies my action or inaction and helps me to redirect. It's almost frustrating as well as slightly comical. It takes me a couple times to really learn something. Why couldn't I learn what I needed to learn the first time I read it? But here I am repeating patterns and realizing some of them for the first time. Again.

It's been challenging and encouraging to read Miller's words about story, character, conflict, development and think about how the shaping of stories applies to the story of my life.

I know that for a year or so I stopped living out my entire story...in some ways I was just trying to get by. Maybe God allows for times like that in our stories. I hope I didn't miss too much. Either way I know that I'm not the only one who has gone through that kind of darkness.

Right now I'm in the middle of a story that's bigger than me right now. My life has changed quite a bit in the last 6 months. I can even tell you exactly when this story jump started but I have no idea where this story is going. I'm just in it.

Do I need to know where it's going? Do I know where I want it to go??

In chapter 19, Miller asks a question that I've been sitting with most of today:

“I was watching the movie Star Wars recently and wondered what made that movie so good. Of course, there are a thousand reasons. But I also noticed that if I paused the DVD on any frame, I could point toward any major character and say exactly what that person wanted. No character had a vague ambition.
It made me wonder if the reasons our lives seem so muddled is because we keep walking into scenes in which we, along with the people around us, have no clear idea what we want.”

Yikes. Do I know exactly what I want?

For the most part... I would say, yes:
To live a life filled with sabbath
To travel
To come alongside others with prayer
To visit all 50 states
To run a marathon each year and raise money for the National Multiple Scerosis Society
To eat good food
To love teenagers and be an advocate for them
To help teenagers see beyond the world that they currently live in
To be a youth minister
To spend lots of time with my beautiful niece, Grace
To empower others to find their place in the body of Christ

And...

Um. I want to be married. And have a child.

Married?

[Maybe I should erase that]

Do I live out my life like marriage is something I want? I don't think I do.

I believed early on in my life that it was better or stronger to take care of yourself and to not need anyone else. I've been fighting that lie in many different areas of my story but I still pretend that it is true when it comes to falling in love. It feels shameful.

I like to be the one who travels and explores and eats yummy food and...

Ech. I do want to erase all of this.

I'm afraid that it will never happen and it's easier to pretend you never wanted it.

My God is not the God of fear.

I don't believe that being married is the ultimate goal in life. I don't have to be married to have a complete life. I want someone in my life. Someone who is willing to dance this messy but beautiful dance with me... and God. Who will choose to love me. On the days he takes delight in me and especially on the days he doesn't.

So in my story - how do I live out that desire.

I am attempting to keep my heart open even when it gets hurt. To risk being hurt again and again. I've taken a few risks lately and I have been hurt. I have also been able to see glimpses of glory in some of the situations. And those glimpses make everything else worth it.

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C.S. Lewis

Ya heard of scleroderma??

I'm sitting with four dear friends and one new friend in the Pittsburgh Presbyterian Hospital. This hospital specializes in Lung Transplants and my sweet friend, Lorene is on the Lung Transplant list because she was diagnosed in 2010 with Scleroderma. Her symptoms have caused her lungs to harden - which makes it extremely hard to do anything. In the past, people with this form of scleroderma were sent home to die - but now there are a few hospitals that offer lung transplants. It's not easy to get in the list but after lorene was rejected from Duke - Pittsburgh said yes. You can read about her journey - here.

We were sitting in her apartment for only 1 1/2 hours when Lorene got a phone call around 2:00 pm. There was a lung available and they wanted her in the hospital in the next 30 minutes. This is the first time that she was given a hospital room and was completely ready in a bed for surgery at 9:30 tonight.

So we are waiting. With Lorene and her husband, Steve. They have a sweet relationship and are both handling the unknowns of this disease and the transplant situation well.

We know right now that one of her three surgeons flew to where the available lung is and is personally going to check it out. If this lung is a healthy match then the surgeon will fly back with it and then Lorene will go into surgery.

We've laughed a lot today. A lot.

Lorene, Sandi, Mandi and Kelly have all been friends since they were in elementary school. I met them all in high school. We are telling stories, making fun of each other and catching up. All 5 of us haven't been together since the end of high school.

*******************

It's now 1:00 am.

The lungs were a no-go. The surgeon found pneumonia in the lungs so another doctor came to let Lorene know. She was released and we all left.

There was a sense all day that it would be amazing that if she received her new lungs while the four of us were here. So it was a definite let down to hear that she wasn't getting new lungs tonight.

I'm still so thankful that we have been here with her though - this roller coaster is part of her journey. It's been amazing to me to see the outpouring of love, well-wishes and prayers from so many people in her life - from all over the world! Keep the prayers coming...for her strength and continued health and for her new lungs to come available soon!

Collections

There are a variety of characters at the hostel that I'm staying in. What surprised me is the amount of people who are here to live. Looking for jobs. Working at restaurants or in construction.

I just watched a very heavy, older guy, named Gus, leave all bundled up with suitcase in hand to walk down the snow covered street to the bus stop so he could move to a hostel closer to downtown Anchorage.

I talked with him some on my first night here. Deeply religious - loves Billy Graham. He asked me what I do for a living and after finding out that I work for a church - played two of his favorite worship songs - one by the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. He wanted me to guess what the songs were. He quickly told me that his one hang up about the United Methodist Church is baptism. "It shouldn't just be a sprinkling. Jesus set the standard and we should do it just like God's standard." We had a short conversation about faith and trusting God versus what people think they can do for their faith... What struck me is how sure he was that what I had to say is wrong.

But this morning before he left - he wished me well at my new church in Lebanon, TN. He quoted Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it".

He's hoping to find a job here in Anchorage.

I just said a prayer for him.

Questions & stories

To be honest - today was a hard day.

I love solo travel because it forces me to spend time by myself - which ultimately means I spend a lot of time in silence - I pray a lot and deal with junk that I need to deal with. It's hard and so good.

It also takes me about three or four days to get to the place where I'm able to listen to myself. Sooo... Yesterday was the day. I cried, wrote, asked hard questions, laughed and let some things go.

I woke up today ready to be all clear. Ready for whatever is next.

Except I didn't enjoy what was next. For some reason the large amounts of snow made me feel trapped. I did NOT like driving on not yet cleared roads in my small rental car. Around 2:00 pm - I found myself sitting in my car outside of Barnes and Noble - trying to decide if I wanted to drive the last few miles to downtown to go to the Anchorage Museum. And. I. Lost. It. I felt the loneliest that I've felt in a long time. I was ready to come home. Pensacola actually. Even looked at moving my flight up a day. Done with the dealing with the hard stuff.

I probably sat in my car for over an hour but eventually after chatting with some good friends I finally felt better. I did decide to go to the museum. I made it there without crashing the car and really enjoyed all the exhibits.

And then. The snow stopped and and the sun came out. I drove to a park and watched the beautiful sunset. When I got back to the hostel I immediately went to one of the community rooms that I hadn't been to yet. Decided to meet some new people! And for the past 3 1/2 hours I have been discussing faith, spirituality and religion with three guys. Two of the them are atheists and the other one says he grew up Methodist. It has been an incredible conversation. They wanted to know what a youth minister actually does. And then the questions began...

It's crazy how you don't think you will make it through the hard, dark times. But I always do. I did. And as cliche as it might sound - I found light again through a sunset and an honest, open conversation.

Posture yourself for surprise...

"Posture yourself for surprise..." - Marko

I had the opportunity to go to The Summit Youth Ministry Training Event about 3 weeks ago.  The Summit was set up a little like TED talks but with a youth ministry risk and twist.  The weekend, in my opinion, was to help shake up people in youth ministry.  To help us see our teenagers just as they are and to come alongside of them.  To take risks that might make a few people raise their eyebrows. To dream about the possibilities within our ministries to actually be the hands and feet of Jesus.

I honestly didn't know what I would get out of the weekend except for seeing dear friends and getting to be a part of something new and different in the youth ministry world.  I brought one adult from my youth ministry and two friends from a different ministry in town.  I knew that they would just soak up any information that would come their way.  But I...I feel like I have been extraordinarily fortunate to have been able to continue to learn throughout my ministry in so many different ways.  Through graduate work and other youth ministry conferences - there is a lot of info that I have been able to learn.

As well as last year I was a part of Marko's 2011-2012 Nashville Youth Ministry Coaching Cohort with 9 other incredible youth ministers from around the US.  I got to experience in a small group - what I think that Marko and Adam were trying to do on a bigger scale with The Summit.

Marko, Adam and Tash (the event emcees) welcomed us all with a few words and then Marko invited us to posture ourselves for a variety of things - I honestly don't remember most of them - I just remember thinking I hope everyone else hears what he is saying and postures themselves to be ready for anything!

But I was struck by the statement, "Posture yourself for surprise...".

I wrote that one down and underlined surprise. I haven't been surprised a lot lately.  "Surprise?".  In what way could I be surprised?  I was blown away with the internal struggle that I felt.  I want to believe -  that I can be, that I deserve to be, that I can hope to be surprised in a good way.  But if I'm surprised - how will I handle it?  Will it be a good surprise?  But I typically pretend I know what's going on most of the time so I never appear to be caught off guard or surprised.

So I asked God to help me posture my self for surprise.

And I was surprised.

In lots of different ways.  I was paying attention to the little things.  The ways that people responded to speakers. The ways that people honored each other.  The way that others experienced complete perspective shifts.  Oh, and Uncle Wally playing his ukelele - what a blessing he was to the community during the weekend.

But the biggest surprise was my very own.  World Vision's 30 Hour Famine partnered with The Summit and had an amazing team there for the weekend.  I had some extra time at the beginning of the event and was able to hang out, help them set up a bit and enjoyed getting to know them!
They gave away a free trip with World Vision to Zimbabwe at the last session.  I joked all weekend with my friends that I was going to win the trip.

And then. I did win it.

I was surprised.

They picked me and I ran up to the stage with no shoes on.

God picked me.  I get to have an experience that will broaden my perspective even more.  In January I get to meet people and see programs and hold and play with children.  And I will pray.

So guess what I've been posturing myself for since we left The Summit?  Surprise.  And I'm having a ball along the way.

Rich Young Ruler

Tuesday, October 20th - thoughts of the day

I am sitting in my car pulled off - on the side of a mountain road looking a vast expanse...mountains, LOTS of green, clouds, sheep, trees...I can't even describe the detail of the grass and the way it has so much depth compared to the trees and the contrast to the blue sky!!! Sigh.

I am on the Forgotten World Highway(which I have since learned is a destination in itself - and I just happened upon it!) and I have pulled over 5 times in the last 45 minutes because the views are so exquisite. Seriously. It took me about 3 hours to drive someting that should have taken me half of that...it was amazing.

Anyways, on the side of the road with David Crowder and Derek Webb playing in the background and I have been praying and tearing up and just thinking about life.

It's hard to admit that I struggle. I used to always want to be seen as somebody who not only has it all together but I also enjoy everything I go through! But I am learing to be more honest with myself. I have been struggling lately with my purpose and where I believe God is calling me. If I could make any money - I think I want to sell my house and give the money away to someone who needs it more...but I don't think I would make any money. I know that going to Nigeria this past year shook my faith and what I feel I can actually make a difference with here on earth.

Being on my own these past few days - has allowed me to hear and to be broken as well as strengthened in my faith and what I believe Jesus calls his people to as His body. So what does that mean to my life? I have no idea except that I have to keep listening.

But man, it is easier for me to hear him when I am outside.

Derek Webb - "Rich Young Ruler"

poverty is so hard to see
when it’s only on your tv and twenty miles across town
where we’re all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus’ neighborhood
where he’s hungry and not feeling so good
from going through our trash
he says, more than just your cash and coin
i want your time, i want your voice
i want the things you just can’t give me

so what must we do
here in the west we want to follow you
we speak the language and we keep all the rules
even a few we made up
come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your suv
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor
what is this, hey what’s the deal
i don’t sleep around and i don’t steal
i want the things you just can’t give me

because what you do to the least of these
my brother’s, you have done it to me
because i want the things you just can’t give me

Walkabout...

I woke up earlier than the others again - so I got ready for our hike and then explored the Blue Mountains YHA. They offer supplies to make breakfast for a pretty cheap price - but I already have oatmeal with me so that's what I made.

We drove over to the very accessible visitor center at the Three Sisters and took some pics and then started down the 800 steps of the Giant Stairway to the valley floor and were completely surround by about 20 other people heading down and up. It was a little overwhelming...the people that is. The views were as well. WOW. I understand why there are so many people here. Once we got about a quarter of the way down though - most of the people were heading back up. We only passed about 6 others that went all the way down or around. It is such a beautiful area and the air is crisp and their are birds calling all around us. We watched the Katoomba waterfall for awhile and then continued down the trail over to the worlds steepest Scenic Railway. Which I would have loved to pass up BUT Candis and AJ made me ride it up. It wasn't actually too bad. I am glad that we rode it up and not down. It was crazy steep. No really...it was quick too. So it was like a rollercoaster ride but just up.

There were some gentlemen from Japan that wanted Candis and me to get into a picture with them...so we did and they were on the railway in front of us - laughing and taking lots of pics. It was fun to watch.

Then we grabbed lunch at a cafe at the top and decided to drive about 40 kilometers over to the Jenolan Caves. We got there right after 3:00 p.m. so we were only able to join the 4:00 p.m. tour of the Temple of Baal Cave. We got some drinks and waited...there were these beautiful birds - that you can tell get fed a lot by people because of how comfortable they were with us right there - that I played with and chased.

Then the caves. This particular cave was found in 1904 and it has two chambers...our guide told us that two of the first people to tour the cave were Methodist Ministers. Most of the names of each of the formations had some sort of biblical reference. It was gorgeous. Our guide, Barry, has lived in the area for the past 40 years and truly loves what he does. He asked if any of us sing when we were in the larger chamber and no one stepped up to sing. So after everyone started leaving to go back to the first chamber - I waited behind(I was pretty nervous for some reason) and sang the first few lines of "Think of Me" from Phantom. It is so cool to sing in that kind of space. Barry wanted me to sing again later - but I didn't. He was pretty funny -
Candis took a pic of us. She will be posting those in a couple of days.

From there we drove back to Katoomba and ate dinner at a Thai restaurant. Both Candis and I are craving Thai Beef salad...so we had hoped to have it there. But they didn't have it.

I spent most of the evening trying to work on details of my trip to New Zealand. It's crazy how different it is from what I originally thought it would be. I am planning on sticking with the YHA - Hostels in New Zealand. They keep an eye on you and have lots of good and cheap info about what to do in the area.

Heading back to Sydney tomorrow! AJ will hang around Sydney and Candis will be going back to Memphis on Saturday. And I will head to New Zealand! I am super excited! And a little nervous to be on my own. But I am ready to process and pray and walk and see.

Give me eyes to see...

Monday, October 12th

I wake up early. No matter what. Earlier than the others with me, so I usually wait for awhile before I start getting ready for the day. I was going to run this morning but I decided not to because we are hiking in the Bald Mountain National Park...which should be a 3 hour hike total.

My left foot is still giving me problems - but the pain is on the top of my foot. This has happened before but it normall goes away eventually. Not now. After today's hike, I might take it easy for a couple of days and see what happens.

We ate breakfast at a mom & pop bakery - we all had meat pies with something different on top. Mine had tomatoes, cheese and bacon - not too bad!

The Bald Rock Mountain is supposedly the largest exposed granite monolith in the Southern hemisphere. We started our hike up with snacks and water. It was an easy hike up - mostly on a logging road. As we got to the top - we were hiking mostly on smoth granite rock. We again had a great view, there were lots of clouds but they just added to the beauty. We had hoped to see wildlife out here but all we saw were flies and a few birds.

Then. There are two ways to the summit.
1) long but easy (which we took up to the top)
2) short and harder - more of a rock climb

We tried to find the rock climb down. But honestly there were NO signs for it at the top. So Candis and AJ thought we could continue our hike dow the logging road - I mentioned that I wasn't comfortable with it but agreed to try. 45 minutes later we hadn't seen any signs - so I told them that I thought we should really turn around. I have been in this situation too many times before(you know, lost but you know exactly where you are) so we turned around. We were low on water and it was lunch time...Anyways, we got back fine, just hiked a lot longer than we planned.

I was super determined to not get discouraged - so my prayer the whole time was "give me eyes to see"...cause I can get so inward focused that I miss what's around me. (Still didn't see kangaroos though).

We washed our faces at a spigot near the carpark and then drove to a waterfall gorge - it was beautiful! There was also a HUGE dragon/lizard...pictures to come!

We spent the rest of the day driving south...we decided to go to the next town down for lunch - even though we were all pretty hungry - so around 3:30 in the small town of Deepwater...we stopped at a convenient store that served burgers and sandwiches. The owner is a delightful woman who has been in the area for about 4 years - her name is Sandra. She told us stories about her family and how she ended up in Deepwater. All I know is she makes a mean burger - it was possibly the best meal yet! We left stuffed.

In Glen Innes - there is a Celtic memorial to honor the Irish and how they helped Australia to become what it is today. They are standing stones...it is pretty cool. But weird because it isn't natural. And there are alllll sorts of amazing rocks standing all over the place. But we went and looked and enjoyed.

Further down the road as we passed through Glen Innes - we saw the Happy Strawberry. They make strawberry shakes, shortcake, jams and more. This place was recommended to us by Ulla. So we had to stop in! Candis and I split a shake and because I had asked about the Pavlova - the woman gave us a sample. It was a meringue with cream and strawberries. OH MY. I could have licked the plate! So good. No really. I want some more now.

Found out my hike in New Zealand was cancelled. So...I don't know what I am going to do in a couple of days. I think I am still heading to New Zealand but I don't know where I am going to hike. OH - and the weather in South Australia and New Zealand is cold enough to snow! hehe.

Tonight we are in a cabin at a YHA - in the town of Armidale. The home of the University of New England.

Signs? We don't need no stinkin signs.

Thursday, October 8th

Awake at 3:26 a.m. We are going to hike up the famous Mt. Warning - our goal is to be at the top for the sunrise. We decided to stay in a basic cabin on the Mt. Warning National Park so we could get to the base of the hiking trail quickly. (no tent camping allowed on the mtn).

This is the 1st time Candis has ever hiked anything like this..so I was pretty. Excited to be out here with her. The elevation of the mtn is about 3793 feet. It's a 4 & 1/2 hour round trip hike - the climb is about 3 miles to the peak which includes a rock climb/scramble up
the last 500 yards- which is actually the remaining core & basalt plug for the one of the oldest extinct volcanos in the world. The aboriginal people call this mountain "Wollumbin" which means "fighting chief of the mountain". Many people come here to climb this mtn for spiritual reasons...which I would say is true for me as well.

I have to be honest- I left my headlamp in Sydney so we were attempting to hike/climb this mountain with a very simple hand held flashlight that Candis brought. Not the best move I have made. But we climbed - we could hear birds scrambling away from us as we slowly & steadily climbed up the mountain. We kept laughing and listening and cautiously taking each step. We started the hike at 4:00 am surrounded by rain forest. By 5:30 we were able to see the horizon begin to change colors before the sign. Then it was time to climb rocks. We left my hiking poles by the side so we could get them on the way down. There is a chain installed to help you pull yourself up the rocks...which was helpful some of the time. This was the first time that morning that I needed to stop & rest on the way up - it's a hard vertical climb. I waited for Candis & then we made it to the top. We put on another layer of clothes and then took in the breathtaking views of the other mountains & valleys & the Pacific Ocean. I have never hiked a mountain where I could see an ocean from the summit. I love, love it! Because of the location of this mtn by the ocean...the summit gets to see the sunrise first in Australia. And it is an amazing sunrise.

We were joined by a couple about 15 minutes later and you could tell they were disappointed that we were there before them. Hehe.

Then we began our slow hike down- which included me sliding down the rock scramble on my rear end. It was pretty fun except my hands were so cold, it hurt to use them. (they warmed up pretty quickly)

What an incredible adventure -

The rest of the day we travelled, explored the very touristy Gold Coast(lots and lots and lots of highrises-a lot like Destin but much larger).

We have decided that Aussies don't like to use excess signage- because we can not go anywhere without turning around once. They NEVER use North, South, East or West.... Ever. Which means we have to guess.

But we are near Brisbane in a beautiful location that overlooks the mountains and we are resting.

On the left side of the road.

Wednesday, October 7th

Okay, today has been my favorite so far. I woke before 6 to head out for a run down by the water and found many other people already out walking/running. Imagine me- in a running skirt & green tank top...standing to the side of the path waiting for my Garmin to realize that we are not in Pensacola.

I stand there.

For a looooong time.

While Aussies walk by and mutter to my cheerful Good Morning, "dressed light, aren't we?". I don't think they could figure out why I was just standing there -in low 50 degree weather.

Anyways, I ran. Down the jetty, across two beach fronts, up lots of stairs to an overlook that literally took my breath away. The Pacific ocean - a deep green and turquoise, crashing against rocks, a variety of green trees, the sun rising while the moon is still in the sky.

Oh. The colors and the feelings. Have I mentioned how much I love to see the world we live in - on my feet? Running and hiking - doesn't get much better. (pictures coming at some point)

I took Candis to the overlook after breakfast and as we were heading back up the stairs to the car- we passed a group of women from the local Anglican church at a picnic table that is situated at an overlook. I took about 6 steps up the stairs & told Candis that I was going back. We walked up and explained we were on a holiday and just wanted to ask them some questions. Haha. They were delightful. We only talked for about 10 minutes -they have been mtg together for about 4 years and were connected thru the church. They gave us ideas
of places to visit and recommended that we both move to Port Macquarie.

Then. It was time for me to drive. I hated leaving Port Macquarie but I can now drive on the left side of the road. We continued up the coast to a town called Murwillbah to find a cabin in Mt. Warning National Park. We will be waking early tomorrow to hike to the top
before sunrise.

Ate salt & pepper calamari for lunch in Coffs Harbour.

...a more reckless Trust

O God, I seek you , but my heart is fickle.
I believe; please help my unbelief.
When all I can do is want to want You,
take my crumb of faith and break it like bread to feed thousands,
beginning, by Your mercy, with me.
You reject no desperate, sinful seeking child.
You say only and always, Come!
I come to You, God.
Pour out Your Spirit on me.
Speak Your words of life to this child.
I pray in Jesus' name, amen.

Prayer from Manning's 19 Mercies: A Spiritual Retreat

"When all I can do is want to want You."

I do believe that there is a Holy Spirit in my life that prompts me, guides me, speaks for me, intercedes for me, speaks through me...

But I spend a lot of my time trying to make sense of God. Jesus. The Holy spirit. And when I try to make them make sense - I forget...the mystery.

Which eventually brings back to only being able to want to want Christ in my life.

Why is it that we as humans have to explain and understand things.

The funny thing is that the more we think we understand...just reveals more that we don't.

I want to be a child that yearns for the Spirit to pour down on me. Every single moment. That I don't miss what God is doing...

image - which side...

Who decided Christ needs to be comfortable?

Honestly, I have many times - and probably will many times more. Especially when I work with teenagers(which is most of the time - ha). I constantly refer to Matthew 22:36-39

Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.

It's so easy for me to give permission to throw everything else out the window as long as you try to do these two things. I can get real comfortable with this. I am supposed to love God and love others...check.

Ummmm...except when I don't. I make them sound so easy, so simple. No effort involved...no mystery in the fact that we are living examples of Christ.

But why? Why does it matter? What if I am selfish today? Rob Bell speaks to this in his second book "Sex God" - that if I disrespect God's creation then I am disrespecting the creator. Yikes. I so often forget that every single human being is made in God's image. Because then I can forget to love them(as my neighbor, as image bearer's of God).

I do ask forgiveness from those of you that I have tried to convince that being a Christian is as simple as loving God and loving each other. Cause it isn't that simple. It IS that amazing. There IS mystery. None of it makes any sense.

There is a God. There is a creation. There is a savior. He died on a cross. AND he rose from the dead. And now I am living here on earth - trying to be a living example of God's heart.

I ask forgiveness from those of you that I haven't loved - truly loved as image bearers of the Creator.

"How you treat the creation reflects how you feel about the creator...
When a human being is mistreated, objectified, or neglected, when they are treated as less than human, these actions are actions against God..
When I respect the image of God in others, I protect the image of God in me." - Rob Bell

The stronger the coffee...

I have started a new adventure - riding a bike(partly because of problems with my feet, which I will explain more later). I grew up riding my bike everywhere...especially when we lived in Germany - my best friend Bettina and I went all over town on our bikes. I remember feeling like I could go anywhere - and then I learned how to drive. I owned a bike till about 2001 when it was stolen out of my carport...so...I bought a bike about 2 months ago. It's a diamondback hybrid and I love it. Oh, and I have learned that it's not just riding a bike - if you do it as a sport it's called cycling [shrug] - did 42 miles a couple of weeks ago. And my roommate took me out mtn biking on the trails at UWF last Thursday - she was incredibly patient with me. I walked down a lot of the 3 foot slopes...yeah - I am still afraid of falling.

I read an article this evening that a friend of mine found by Quinn Fox at http://www.perspectivesjournal.org/2003/02/seeit-starbucks.html. Why do so many of us in ministry feel like we need to cater to "wants"? I love the idea that Fox presents about setting the bar higher in our ministries and churches...using liturgy and terminology and experiences that don't always make sense to the person coming in off the street. Shoot, maybe not even to the people that have been going to church their whole lives! I love that we can have mystery in our experience together as a body of Christ. So many churches have eliminated anything that is confusing so that noone feels uncomfortable. Who decided that Christ needs to be comfortable?

30 Hour Famine...from myspace

Aahhhhhh...I've been eating since 12...the famine ended at 12 and now I can't stop eating. Funny how it works that way.

This is the second time this year - the youth group has done the fast and I have to tell you - I am constantly amazed at how much it impacts me. I was cranky, tired, hungry, irritated and any other annoying thing you can be when I left the church last night, after 12 hours of activities and I know the day was good but I was thinking "why do I do this?"

Have any of you seen the absolutely AMAZING commercial about an insurance company recently? The one that shows different people witnessing another person doing an act of kindness to another so that they pay attention and do something for someone else and that means someone else does something for another...I LOVE it. And then it's an insurance company commercial.

I want to wake up every morning and realize...how loved that I am. Not in the - Oh yea, God loves me. But in the, Oh my freakin goodness, my life is flip turned upside down because God chooses to love me. Me.

Anyways, back to the famine - if you haven't done it, do it(www.30hourfamine.org)...especially if you work with students - it will change their lives and yours and you get to raise money to help prevent hunger. Hunger is 100% preventable. 100%. Our goal this year - to raise $2000 dollars for World Vision...which we had by 9:45 am this morning. Pretty amazing huh. AND then, and then we found out - that someone was so impacted by the students testimonies about the famine and our experience on feeding homeless while hungry and our prayer walks...that one family donated $6000. 22 children in Africa will get to eat because me and 28 others didn't eat this weekend.

Jesus, increase in me so that I decrease.

Every day.

songs...worship...real...faith

Patty Griffin's song..."When it don't come easy".

Dang, I haven't listened to this song in a couple of months and it almost made me cry to hear it on one of my friends page. I love it that music/songs get in and create such an emotional response when I least expect it. You know when you almost feel it in your bones - that kind of reaction. So I am adding the song to my page - thanks Jeff, for letting me steal it!
Why now? Honestly, probably cause I am tired because I just got back from my Sr High Youth retreat. But I also had the opportunity to sing this song at a friends wedding two years ago, and while I was learning it, I was trying to move on from a pretty big relationship and figure out what to do next in my life. It was a huge transition period for me. Do I go back to school? Go into youth ministry? Work at Starbucks? I remember listening to this song over and over and wanting to share...to share - to draw others in and help them understand that it won't be easy but they aren't alone.

I long. I hope. I know. I love. I hurt. I yearn. I believe.

Life seems so hard at times, so alone. Even when surrounded by so many. I want someone to know me to my core...to stand with me.

I think the hardest thing for me, is when one of my students or friends comes to me - and they are trying so hard to see God, to hear His voice, and they still can't. For whatever reason. But the reality is, it happens to me as well.

Believing when you feel nothing.

Hebrews 11:1 (The Message)The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.

Red lights are flashing on the highway
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
Everywhere the waters getting rough
Your best intentions may not be enough
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight

But if you brake down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

I don't know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home

You're out there walking down a highway
And all of the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction

But if you brake down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

So many things that I had before
That don't matter to me now
Tonight I cry for the love that I've lost
And the love I've never found
When the last bird falls
And the last siren sounds
Someone will say what's been said before
Some love we were looking for

But if you brake down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

I believe...from myspace

I believe...

Finding my way in an institution where so many ways are already set up. Sometimes when I feel that there is an expectation - it makes me squirm. Saying no makes me squirm. But I can't live to others expectations. I know that. I don't often have trouble with it but every once in awhile I do. It's funny that I have tried to work with what has been done at my church for so long. But yesterday I finally gave myself permission to admit that what was being done doesn't work for me. And now I can find my way! How flippin cool is that. I went into a meeting yesterday ready to run the meeting the way it has been done at least for 5 years - and I started it and just felt AWKWARD. Adults and youth are looking at me - waiting for whatever words that I was going to pass on to make it worth their time to even come to the meeting...and I started by thanking some of the parents that have served the youth group for about 7 years and then I paused and said "I don't know what we are going to do next with this committee but it's not working as it stands now". And most of them nodded in agreement! Whew. So what are we going to do next? I don't know. But I am excited. Have I mentioned before that I love my job? It is crazy at times - especially this time of year...where I could be at a dance recital, graduation, awards ceremony almost every night - but I love that I get to walk with students. So this leadership committee...I am praying that we figure out how to best use all the adults and youth that want to lead - and get them leading! Also, I am ready for a discernment council or a sounding board- which is a fancy way of asking a group of people to sit with me periodically and pray...bounce ideas around and make decisions about the direction of the youth group. So I have asked different adults to think/pray about that. Yes! The thing that I am owning more and more is that I serve a God that is in love with me and with every one of you. And I crave that more and more people know that...own that...

I feel...

...that I write the same things over and over again - it could be that I am only writing on Sundays for now - and that means that I have been at church with my youth all day...so that tends to be what drives my writing on Sunday nights...

My computer is wigging out as well - AGAIN this week.

I just finished watching a movie called "The Edukators" tonight - it is a german movie about three 20 year olds that are trying to start a revolution by breaking into wealthy houses and reversing or stacking the furniture, they don't steal anything, and then they leave a note that says "You have too much money". It was really interesting. What was funny is that they mentioned that Germans watch 4 hours of t.v. a day now. Only 4 hours? When I lived there, in the 80's, they only had a few channels and they weren't all on the entire day - they would come on in the evening. According to the A.C. Nielsen Corp. the average amount of time the tv is on in America is 6 hours and 47 minutes!!! We even have the tv on when we aren't watching it - in addition to our online addiction(myspace, aol, im, livejournal, facebook, etc.), ipods...we are constantly needing stimulation.

I have been talking to the youth and parents at my church about myspace and how I don't think it is bad but it should be monitored...shoot, I think parents need to do a lot more monitoring. But that's easy for me to say, I am not a parent. Do our students even know how to have a real conversation and am I giving myself the excuse to not actually call someone because I can text, im, email or myspace them? Just send info - but not want a real conversation. I know that I am not the only one that sees this happening - but it's like it's happening so fast we don't know what to do...

Last week - I made a point to look for my "garden" - a place to get away and to "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10. I am still working on that but I tell you what - I have had moments of clarity that I haven't had in a while. Today, in my small group we talked about where we fit into the kingdom of God - and I am supposed to listen, worship and pray. The listen - means listen to my youth, their parents and to God.

It's HOLY WEEK! Palm Sunday - my favorite holiday...I like it cause it has nothing to do with doing anything for another person...so it is all about being excited that Jesus enters Jerusalem and then in a week we are given the best gift ever. (I like Thanksgiving a lot too). Anyways, my prayer for all of us in this crazy world we live in, is that we do take time to stop(enter a certain song here) - and "Be still". I am encouraged and hopeful - and the best part is that I am not alone in all of this.

Truth...it really is out there - Faith...that is the real answer to so many questions. But that is the hardest answer to grab a hold of.

To ask a question...from myspace

Why is it that so many times a Christian is on the side of defending their faith? Like I have something to prove…but I really don’t feel like I have anything to prove.

I want to live like Jesus.

Jesus, the man and Christ, who shares compassion, forgiveness, love and teaching with anyone, anyone who would let Him into their lives.

I sometimes feel apologetic for being a Christian, when I am around someone who isn’t. Especially if I don’t really know what their experience with Christians has been. So why do I want to apologize? I guess it is because a lot of Christians that I know and especially the ones who are very vocal – tend to come across as closed minded. But the reality is – a Christian normally believes in a virgin birth and the fact that Jesus is the Son of God and that He came back to life after He was crucified on a cross. That doesn’t sound closed minded to me. Crazy maybe, but not closed minded.

I know at this moment, that the more I study who Jesus is, the more I long to be like Him.