Abba...I belong to you.

Lord Jesus, be for me the way to Abba, Father.

Be for me all my truth and all my life.
Lead me into the crucified life, which is real life, and eternal.
Lead me away from every lesser thing. By Your love, renew my inner being
so that I can receive Your love, and know it truly,
and be Your love to others.
Amen

Who do I think I am?

I know the things about me that are despicable.
There are so many.

Why is it that I feel justified to judge another person?
Where do any of us get off?

I was actually told by someone(that I don't know that well) this morning that a guy I like wasn't good enough for me. REALLY?
Who is?
Who am I good enough for?

When it comes down to it...we all have struggles, compulsions, lies, hopes, fears, joys, loves and so much more that are part of who we are.

As someone who does try really hard to understand individuals hearts - I know that I see potential in people even when others don't. I want all people - my students, family, friends, guys I like - to live up to their potential and to live life as huge as possible! And if I can help people get there...then all the better for me. I love that! But that's part of the twisted little game for me...I help you - and somehow I benefit. I am still working through all of that. But I can acknowledge it.

Before you judge the next person with a tattoo or green hair or four kids or a 13 year old or a slow driver - why don't you look at your own heart and try to figure out why that person makes you feel like you have a right to feel superior to them?

Image of God...

How do you see God?

When you think about Him...what image do you have?

Is he...
watching you to catch your mistakes...
chasing after you...
a blur that you can't quite comprehend...
a lap that you can crawl into and rest...
a task master...
like your parents...

Who is he to you?

When Jesus said "Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father." - it was a new idea for his disciples at the time. But for us today - even using the image of father has negative connotations for many people.

I used to think what Jesus said in John 14: 6-7...was that you could GET to the Father unless you get to him through Jesus. I now believe more and more that when Jesus said:

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ⁷If you really knew me, you would know^a]">[a] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.

...he really is trying to help us understand that he, Jesus, is the best image of our God that we can see here on earth.
That God is...
a servant
loving
really sees people
cares about everyone
despises deceit
is reaching out to us
weeps with us
willing to touch us - even when everyone else thinks we are untouchable
isn't afraid to speak the truth even if it isn't what we want to hear
loves us enough to die for us
isn't going to be what we expect AT ALL.

...a more reckless Trust

O God, I seek you , but my heart is fickle.
I believe; please help my unbelief.
When all I can do is want to want You,
take my crumb of faith and break it like bread to feed thousands,
beginning, by Your mercy, with me.
You reject no desperate, sinful seeking child.
You say only and always, Come!
I come to You, God.
Pour out Your Spirit on me.
Speak Your words of life to this child.
I pray in Jesus' name, amen.

Prayer from Manning's 19 Mercies: A Spiritual Retreat

"When all I can do is want to want You."

I do believe that there is a Holy Spirit in my life that prompts me, guides me, speaks for me, intercedes for me, speaks through me...

But I spend a lot of my time trying to make sense of God. Jesus. The Holy spirit. And when I try to make them make sense - I forget...the mystery.

Which eventually brings back to only being able to want to want Christ in my life.

Why is it that we as humans have to explain and understand things.

The funny thing is that the more we think we understand...just reveals more that we don't.

I want to be a child that yearns for the Spirit to pour down on me. Every single moment. That I don't miss what God is doing...

thoughts during Lent...

Mercy #3
Jesus wants to enter into a friendship with you.

Luke 19:1-10

Jesus actually invites himself into the house of a man that most people despise. Zacchaeus was the head tax collector in Jericho and he constantly took extra money from people for himself - nobody liked him. When Jesus said, “Zacchaeus, hurry and come down; for I must stay at your house today.” Zacchaeus was very excited...most people didn't want to spend time with him.

According to Manning, in the Jewish Tradition, to say "I want to have dinner with you" means "I want to enter into a friendship with you". Even today, this is the custom with the Orthodox Jews...they won't invite you over for dinner unless they want to begin or deepen a friendship with you. Interesting when you consider that we are invited to the communion table with Christ.
(I did just spend some time looking up Jewish Traditions but didn't find any info about dinner and friendship - except that to invite someone to your table is a sign of welcome...fyi).

What I am getting most out of the 19 Mercies so far this week - is that Jesus wants to spend time with me. He wants me as I am and today. And He will celebrates when we are able to change our ways...like Zacchaeus giving half of his possessions to the poor and paying back 4x what he had taken from people. I love the last line of what Jesus says about Zacchaeus... ¹⁰“Today salvation has come to this house, because he too is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek out and to save the lost.”

"...he too is a son of Abraham..." We are all part of the family - no matter what we do. No matter who we think we are and who others think we are.

The question I have for myself is what do I need to change - What have I taken from others. How do I give back. Do I already give back? I spend a lot of time helping others. But honestly that sometimes more about me than about the other people...I have learned that in the past couple of years. I am still working out the balance for that.

I haven't spent this much time studying different stories from the Bible just for myself in a long time...it's been good to listen to Jesus' words just for me. I spend a lot of time with him in prayer - especially when I run - but I don't know if when I am praying...if I am listening very well.

I have a place.

Thoughts during Lent...

I don't write as much as I have in the past. On here. Or in my journal. I don't really know why...I know on here - I struggle with the fact that others might read it and I always want it to be good and real and a learning experience...blah, blah, blah. I tend to be a people pleaser so I want to please in these venues as well. But I have to say that I love reading what some other people write and it always makes me miss writing.

So here I am.

For lent I am using Brennan Manning's "19 Mercies: Spiritual Retreat" which is a new section in the back of his book Ragamuffin Gospel.

The first mercy is "Come". Which I read yesterday along with Psalm 139. I might come back and write my thoughts/struggles about that later.

The second mercy is "Don't Wait"

My reading for today was from Mark 7:36-50
Which is honestly one of the stories that I struggle with a bit. How absolutely disgusting would it be to cry some tears on a mans dirty feet and then wipe them with your hair...and then cover the feet with scented oil and kiss them? But if I don't allow myself to get distracted by those details - I can picture the other people there watching and judging her for her previous actions, as well as judging Jesus for allowing her to touch him. What a beautiful sacrifice she gave.

I love what Manning says about this:
"What drew Mary forward to perform her lovely act of adoration? I think she was simply overcome by the beauty and compassion of this magnetic man, Jesus! And I imagine that His eyes called out to her: Mary, come to Me. Come now. Don’t wait until you get your act cleaned up and your head on straight. Don’t delay until you rescue your reputation, until you’re free of pride and lust, of jealousy and self-hatred. Come to Me now in your brokenness and sinfullness. Come now, with all your fears and insecurities. I will love you just the way you are–just the way you are, not the way you think you should be. "

Her sacrifice - her willingness to be judged by others didn't matter because she wanted to give something to Christ. NOW. And because of her gift - he gave her peace and grace and forgiveness. Jesus says in vs. 47 "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." She sacrificed and received much and will continue to love much.

I wonder sometimes if the reason why I (and many of us) take Jesus' love and grace for granted is because we don't sacrifice much. OR don't think the sacrifices that we have made amount to much.

I have 2 friends who are similar and they seem to get bogged down by feeling like they don't ever get enough done. They don't like to receive from others because they don't feel like they do for others. These are two people who give constantly to others. But they don't recognize it. They sacrifice and love and extend grace and hope often! But they can't receive Jesus' sacrifice, love and grace because they don't realize their own sacrifice. And feel like they have to do more before they can receive anything from Christ. But he is saying to them...to us all...come. NOW. Don't wait. Don't spend time trying to look better, getting your house in order, working out, getting distracted by all the things that distract us...come NOW.

My prayer for myself and others this lenten season is that we learn to echo Jesus' journey into the Wilderness for 40 days. To learn more about sacrifice. To recognize that we are forgiven just as we are. NOW.

"...I will love you just the way you are - just the way you are, not the way you think you should be."

...not feeling too well today. So napping has been happening.