I can't tell you how many times I have written paragraphs for a blog and then the entire thing jumps a page and is gone. Yeah, that just happened.
I was in Utah last week for a ski, sightseeing, laugh filled vacation. I am constantly amazed at the diversity of this country. I loved driving in Salt Lake City - it is so flat and the city was a mixture of lights, buildings and the color brown but if you bother to look up the mountains almost surprise you with their presence and beauty.
I tried really hard to hold on to the feelings I felt while skiing down a slope looking out over Park City or while I was standing on the edge of the Salt Lake. It is overwhelming to know that I am so small and still get to experience life is such a huge way!
There were a few times that I just laughed out loud while skiing...who knew you could get whip lash while skiing? Let's see if I can explain this...It unseasonably warm last week for Utah on the Mtns. Last Tuesday it was around 67 degrees - which means that the snow would freeze over night and then start to thaw out during the day. Sometimes when we were skiing our last run to the bottom it was extremely slushy and hard to ski through. But what was so funny, were the times that the snow was icy and slick for a few feet and then change to a rough patch for a few feet -- back and forth -- it's a little like sliding on a hard floor in socks and then trying to slide over carpet back to floor and so on. I would be minding my own business and then I would completely lose my balance because of the whip lash. i have to say, it was fun watching other people go through the same thing. I didn't laugh out loud at them though.
OH - and did I fall while skiing last week? No, not one time. But on Sunday morning, I left church a few minutes early, and on my way down the stair from the balcony I skipped the last step for some unknown reason and completely fell on my rear end. You should have seen the ushers trying to get to me and make sure I was okay. Humbling.
I write all of this because I have been reflecting tonight on the inconsistencies of feeling confident. The only thing I am confident in is my faith in Christ. So many people have said the following but I have to say that everytime I decide I have something figured out - I realize very quickly that I don't. I have such a longing for total honesty in my life and I lie to myself constantly. I want so badly to prove that I don't need anyone else to live this life and at the same time long for community to walk with me while at the same time fear the community because of the accountability it will bring to my life. I know that I am not the only one feeling this - because so many of you have shared these same thoughts with me.
I love the paradox of this moment - my ache right now to express my true thoughts and how my sould is doing but also knowing that you are going to read what you need to understand. I also love that community is how I learn more about myself.
Parker Palmer puts it so much better than I ever could: If we are to hold solitude and community together as a true paradox, we need to deepen our understanding of both poles. Solitude does not necessarily mean living apart from others; it means never living apart from one's self. It is not about the absence of other people - it is about being fully present to ourselves, whether or not we are with others. Community does not necessary mean living face-to-face with others; rather, it means never losing the awareness that we are connected to each other. It is not about the presence of other people - it is about being fully open to the reality of relationship, whether or not we are alone.
Lord, give me your heart and help me to live undivided.