Monday, March 25, 2013

In the in-between.

I just took a little journey into some of my past and re-read a few of my old blogs. I'm a little surprised at how transparent I used to be. Where did those questions go? Why have I stopped writing? What am I afraid of revealing?

I love it when I find someone's blog about life, love, relationships, faith, struggle, story or youth ministry - I'm so thankful to know that I'm not alone.

So why have I stopped sharing my words & story?

I'm going to own a couple reasons and then it's time to stop using those reasons as an excuse to not write.

1. I like to pretend that this isn't true but I worry about what people think about what i think and do. The people I work for, work with, parents & peers... To write it down feels ridiculous but I'm owning it.

2. Deep sadness. I used to believe that I couldn't be sad. So I wasn't sure what to do with this sorrow and at times lack of feeling. Sad about dad's leukemia, Julia's MS, youth who were going through hell, personal heartbreak and feelings of inadequacy and, of course, working for a church with people who are also going through their own brokenness.

3. I've said for a couple years that I lost my voice. To be perfectly honest - I actually gave my voice away. I started to believe that certain people in my life (not everyone)had more power or better ideas then I did. And I remember being surprised when I tried to offer my own feelings and thoughts about something I felt had value and they didn't want to hear or just wouldn't hear what I had to say. Why should they - I never really asked them to hear me before.

So I started a journey to hear myself again and to offer my gifts and graces to others.

I do have to say that in the middle of these experiences I have been surrounded by people who invited me over and over to see myself as God does, as they do & to risk sharing my life and story. And for that I am deeply grateful - I'm sorry I couldn't hear it for awhile but I do now.

At this moment I still question what I think. Question what I feel. Question what I know. Question what I hope for.

I'm so thankful that I'm okay with these questions. Cause they belong to me. And they push me to ask, risk, tell and take action.

I know I hear my own voice best when I write out my thoughts. So it's time to process and pray and...write.

No comments: