Sunday, May 14, 2006

Ugly Truth

Reconcile 1. To cause to be friendly again; to conciliate anew; to restore to friendship; to bring back to harmony; to cause to be no longer at variance; as, to reconcile persons who have quarreled.

Reconciliation - to forgive, receive forgiveness and return to a place in a relationship where you can trust, love and engage again. But if someone hurts you can you ever really go back? Or do you try to love but you still have shadows that never really go away! Even when you try to shine the light into all the corners?

I have times when I am looking for something - physically looking - and I can't find it. I can't find it and I am not really sure what I am looking for and I almost feel like I am in a dreamlike state. If I could just clear my brain up - I know I would be able to find what I am looking for. It's weird when that happens. It's like my brain can't be quiet enough to focus on the simple task at hand.

Anyways, Fight or flight - when someone hurts me - I want to get away. And if it really hurts then I don't want to put myself in that situation again... Or if I get hurt in a way that I know I can handle then I want to fight - so that the situation isn't repeated...but what if I don't run or fight...what if I sit in the tension of the pain and touch it and live with it - what does that do. I think sometimes that looks weak...because who would stay in a situation where you are getting hurt? Get out or fight back! Right? (Just to clarify, I am not talking about physical pain or hurt). To sit in the tension. To be uncomfortable. Awkward even. And it can break your heart. My heart has been broken - and my soul is stronger.

I don't know if reconciliation is always possible because you cannot force another person to accept your forgiveness or to accept your apology. But if I am willing to accept my part in the story then I can at least work on my integrity, my soul...

Parker Palmer has been one of my favorite authors for the past year and he says in his book "A Hidden Wholeness" that, "All of us arrive on earth with souls in perfect form. But from the moment of birth onward, the soul or true self is assailed by deforming forces from withouth and within; by racism, sexism, economic injustice and other social cancers; by jealousy, resentment, self-doubt, fear and other demons of the inner life."

Psalm 139:13-14

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

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