Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The fall, humidity, love and brains

Am I the only one who really has no idea? Or do none of us really know what we are doing and who we are?
I have met so many people in my 29 years that seem so together and to have a purpose and to seem to love what they do from day to day - but I bet if you asked most people to describe me - they would say the same about me...hmmmm...
I think the hardest part of life for me is to not be able to control anything really. I tend to really want the best of any situation but most of the time it doesn't quite work out that way...I fall out of a chair in front of people or make a video tape of my senior pastor that only has sound on it - no visuals...yeah, explain that to him when he needs both of the services from this past Sunday.
It's funny really...and it will be funnier next week - but when I am pensive like today then it just hurts. It hurts to know that I really am not in charge...I can't stop death or sickness or heartache or confusion and I can't control how many people sign up for things or participate or really belong for the right reasons. What are the right reasons?
It is so funny to me that I am more honest on this blog - then I am in my own journal...I think I have a paranoia that someone I know will read my journal...but I don't care who reads this one.

I don't know if I have mentioned this on here before but I am in love with a man who I believe loves me back but may never be able to love me the way that I want and deserve to be loved. And I don't know if I can just accept that. While I am at it I don't know if I can love him the way that he wants and deserves either.
He is wonderful. In so many ways...but he is so afraid to truly be himself...and if he ever really is truly himself then there really isn't room for me in the picture. That is so hard to write and to acknowledge AND what that does to me is make me afraid to address it because I don't think what we have right now will work.
Isn't it just so weird that life throws us curve balls like that? I mean again, I see so many couples that seem to just be in love and it seems to make sense and yes, they have to work at it but they know that they are supposed to be together. I may never find that. I have a yearning to love and to be loved...
Where does God fit into this too? I know I am loved by Him. Am I allowing Him to fill my yearning????? Could He? Cause I believe that we are put here on earth to be in relationship and to love a way that can only be compared to Christ loving the church. I still believe that.
I was telling a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago that I am becoming more cynical...and he thought that was funny. Which I guess it is but in some ways it is so sad.

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